Kate's Delimma
by AngelUriel
Summary: Is Kate pregnant? If she is, will she survive the new mother's group, the crazy French woman and Jack or will she go insane? Now complete. Last chapter is such a copout. Evul language.
1. Morning Sickness

Hellooooo Peoples! I'm planning this story to be just as silly as the previous one (Food Delimma)...but Kate's hard to write as a silly girl. I'm sitting in the study hall at the moment, uploading this and my boyfriend has just broken his laptop and is trying to fix it. Clunk, clunk, clunk snap, whoops, there goes a key.

just something random to start the story of with.

Don't own LOST.

I apologise for the icky (ahem) girls stuff.

Oh, and for those who know about me...I'm still not allowed to watch LOST, dammit! This is all guesswork.

* * *

It has been a few years on "The Island", and most people had come to accept that they might not be picked up by any rescuers at all, and had settled into what you may call a colony.

Those on the raft had never returned. Kate had given Sawyer up for dead and occupied his hoards of belongings since that day, lingering for his smell. That smell and her grief were washed away with the early morning salt breeze, and she became more and more interested when it came to surviving.

Sayid was still determined to keep up his fire, but more often than not he let it die; he was more occupied keeping a calendar, building shelters and Shannon's swelling stomach. Kate noticed with an amount of dismay that people seemed so settled in this environment that they were willing to have babies: Shannon chatted to Claire about their future children and their names…Charlie had already remarked that Turnip-head needed Peanut-toes and Carrot-top as siblings (whereupon Claire had retorted that if those names were ever received by their children, she'll make sure his name would be Radish-bottom).

Sun was also finding it hard to bend down to weed her garden. No-one so far knew who the father was, but Kate suspected that young, yummy Polynesian (was his name Rangi?) was the culprit.

Kate was not against to amorous romping in the jungle, in fact she was no stranger to these. She and Jack got on very well, and had learnt a few things while with him (if you do it on the beach, don't do it in the sand…it gets everywhere; if you do it against a tree, make sure it isn't a palm), but she grew sick of playing Vatican Roulette, as without proper food at points, her (ahem) cycles became irregular. Mistakes were liable to happen.

Kate wasn't the type to fall ill so quickly…not that she would tell anyone that she was ill, but recently she had been waking up to extreme nausea and throwing up behind the nearest palm tree. After about a week of regular trips to the forest, Kate decided that something was wrong. She went to see Sun.

Sun was taking a rest in the shade of a large tree, fanning herself with a flax hat Rangi had made her, "Hello Sun!" she greeted cheerfully. Sun squinted at her and waved back.

"Hello Kate…are you okay? You do not look well."

_Damn,_ Kate thought, _so much for faking it, how did she look past my acting?_

"Uh, yeah. I'm not too well, I've been sick for a week now: I've been throwing up in the mornings and I was wondering if you had something for it?" she asked. Sun suddenly looked at her shrewdly.

"Do you feel sick for the rest of the day?"

"No, not really."

"Do you feel cranky or really happy for unknown reasons?"

Kate remembered an incident that happened when Hurley dropped her supply of water and she had snapped at him suddenly, then apologised, layering kisses all over his face. The poor man left feeling strangely bewildered and confused,

"yes."

"When was the last time you had your (ahem) period?" she asked in a lowered voice.

"God! Are you assuming I'm pregnant!" Kate said alarmed.

"I will assume anything until you answer the question…you do realise that I could give you the wrong herb, and you could be feeling sicker than before?"

"Well…yes, okay fine. I had it (ahem) a month and a half ago; but it's been (ahem) irregular since we crashed here." Kate blushed, "and frankly, I don't want them. I (ahem) _hate_ washing rags!"

Sun giggled, "That is why a lot of the girls here like being pregnant, no rags to wash."

"I'd rather rag washing than diaper washing." Kate snapped. Uncertainty grew deep in her stomach…she actually could be pregnant!

"Well, I can not jump to any conclusions. Go to Jack. He will tell you, but I think he will come to the same conclusion as I have."

"Thank you, Sun." she said, exasperated.

"No worries. By the way, Kate. If you are pregnant, who would be the father?"

"Doesn't that seem obvious?"

"I didn't think Hurley would be your type; but then again, who knows what happens when he brings you your water? I've heard some stories" Sun grinned mercilessly, thrusting out her large stomach.

"Wha---! No. no no. nonononononononono, I think you've got the wrong idea. Before you jump to any more conclusions, I'll just slink away to Jack, and clear up this entire bamboozle."

_I hope._

* * *

Well, Kate has a Delimma on her hands!

To the girls out there (I know most of you are), how on earth do the women doon the island go on without normal feminine hygeine? I'm too young to remember chasity belts (I think that's what they're called) andI'm used to supermarkets and pink bins (I don't think you have those in the USA)

Anywho...enough of my nattering, I don't think that the (ahem) girks stuff will continue for much longer...but we'll see.

Oh, and my boyfriend has finally decided to see someone about his keyboard...It's missing the space and enter key now.


	2. Little Pink Box

More delimma!

Don't own Lost. Wish I did.

I love Charlie.

* * *

Kate strolled to the caves; suddenly worried of Jack's reaction to her particular dilemma…after all he would be the father of her child.

Jack was cleaning up his "practice"; the shabby but clean deck chair reclining in the corner, many of the medicines had now given away to Sun's herbal remedies (though some of the declining antibiotics were locked away in a very familiar silver case) and linen bandages made from the island's flax, were all being checked and restored.

Jack beamed when he saw Kate enter.

"Hello Kate, to what do I owe this visit?" he chimed; he was less stressed than he was as he grew used to island life.

"I'm sick." She put it bluntly.

"Ah."

"I've been throwing up in the mornings."

"Oh."

"I've come for a second opinion."

"Did you see Sun about this? (She's not really a qualified doctor)"

"(I know, but she knows her plants) I went to her about some herbs, but she reckoned I might be _pregnant_." She stressed the word just subtly enough to grab Jack's attention.

"Oh," then it dawned on him, "**OOOOooohhhh.**" Jack suddenly made a small hiccuping noise and dropped the few rolls of linen he was carrying.

"I was hoping (ahem) that you would be able to…you know, tell me that I'm _not_ pregnant." She looked at him with her large twinkling eyes.

"Alright, but I can't guarantee you anything." He sighed, picking up the rolls. He drilled her with the same questions that Sun had asked her, perhaps in a more professional sense. He nodded after the questioning had finished and took out a small key. He retrieved the large silver case, opened it and gave her a small pink box.

"A pregnancy test?" she asked.

"Yes. The Very Last One. It seems that the couple on their honeymoon were trying for a child. They had about six packets."

"Aren't these supposed to be relatively inaccurate?"

"Yes, but wether it says you're pregnant or not, come back in another few weeks and I'll see if you are…Kate?" he asked warily.

"Yes Jack?" she felt the anticipation that he was about to say something important

"The instructions are on the back."

_Yep, that was important_ she thought despondently. She got up to leave.

"Kate." He called.

"Yes?"

"Good Luck."

_For what?_

"Thank you." She called back.

* * *

TBC 


	3. Claire's Entry I

_I'm baaaack!_

Any way, all's good. Thank you for the reviews!

Don't own LOST.

I love Charlie

(and Severus Snape too, but that's another story)

_

* * *

_

_Claire's Diary_

13 Oct 2006

I am sick of writing little and having a maximum of a page to write in this diary…the reason why is that I have about 10 pages left…which is pretty good considering we've been here…far too long on this goddamn island.

Still don't trust Danielle, keeps offering to baby sit. I tell her to jump in the reef.

Nothing much has happened in the past week. Sun is still worried that her husband will hate her when he finds out that she had been unfaithful. I tell her that it wasn't fair for her because she had been lonely for the past (year and a half?) and it was only that one time.

Have finally coaxed Aaron to stop running towards the ocean/forest/Danielle/Locke's knifes and anything else unsafe here. He has grown huge locks of gold hair and is starting to call Charlie "dada", so cute. Charlie/Sun/Hurley/Jack however have all continued to call Aaron "Turniphead", and responds to it more than "Aaron". Sigh.

Was having normal afternoon siesta with Aaron when we were woken up by "the monster". Seriously thought it was the monster until we heard several profanities emitted from high-pitched woman's voice. It turned out to be Kate screaming at anyone, everyone and nothing at all.

Charlie and Hurley tried to calm her down, but she was incensed. Suddenly she burst out crying and disappeared behind Sawyer's hoard. Told the boys to drop it and they did so reluctantly. Now I have Aaron going around singing "fuck fuck fuckitty fuck fuckitty fuckitty fuck" and I have to stop him as soon as possible, before I die of embarrassment.

Shannon's nearing the end of her term, and has been having the same weird dreams I was having. Sun's also complaining about the dreams. The freaky thing is, is that I can't explain why. Sayid and Charlie have been watching was like hawks, and sometimes I notice that Charlie would stay awake until I fall sleep. Sayid and sometimes Jack will pop their heads in every so often.

TBC

Crap, I'm at the end of the page…Contact you in about a week. Claire.


	4. Ghostbusters

Poor Kate! She's so cute.

* * *

Jack marched over the sand and approached the misshapen hut known over the island as "Sawyer's Hoard", even though the current resident was called Kate. He clutched a portion of salted pork in one hand and a bottle of water in another, slowly thinking on what he was about to say.

Kate had managed to lock herself up for about a week, and Hurley (who was on water-boy roster that fortnight) was getting worried about her state of mind.

"Dude," he had said, "she's becoming something out of a horror film: she's miserable and not grooming properly…and her eyes are beginning to go red, I'm serious! Dude, I think you should see her."

Taking his advice, he hovered near the front door (which happened to be a heavy cloth, of sorts) wondering what to do next.

"Put the pork and water beside the door, and back away." A voice snapped inside.

"Kate? Kate, I want to talk to you." He said.

"Don't bother, I won't listen."

"I think I know why you are upset."

"Upset? Me?" she replied sarcastically.

"I believe the test was positive then?" he asked innocently enough.

"No, I'm just staying inside because I don't want to get skin cancer." She snapped again. From Jack's position, he could see that she was lying on Sawyer's deck chair.

"Actually, I'm more worried about you staying inside…it must be a sauna in there."

"I'm trying to sweat the baby out."

"You need to get fresh air." He ignored the last remark.

"I am also trying to choke myself with my noxious fumes. Now would you kindly GO AWAY!"

"Kate," he said, walking in. He was shoved out abruptly. Kate stood at the entrance, their faces barely inches apart. Hurley was right: her face was sweaty; her hair frizzed out in different directions and her eyes burned a puffy red; over all, she looked slightly mental.

"Should I get the Ghostbusters?" he quipped.

Furious, she flung the door-hanging into his face reasonably hard. After a stunned moment, she did it again.

"Would you stop doing that!" Jack asked, annoyed.

"NEVER!" she yelled. This time, she had flung a shoe out the door, hitting him squarely on the forehead. He landed squarely on his bottom, rubbing the large bruise that had already appeared. She laughed evilly from inside her hut.

"I'll be back, Kate!" he shouted at her. She appeared swiftly from the hut and took the water and the pork, "I'll be back to refill that water bottle. Just you wait!"

"I'll like to see you try." She retorted.

He stormed away, muttering threatening oaths under his breath. Back at the caves, Hurley was filling up the water bottles. Most of the bottles had some form of leak or crack, and were resealed using tree sap. Hurley swivelled to face Jack.

"Did you speak to her?" Hurley asked.

"I'm never following your advice again Hurley." Jack muttered, Hurley raised an eyebrow in surprise, "Oh, and you're also relieved from your water-boy duties. I'm taking over."

"What did I do? What did I do?" Hurley asked, somewhat disappointed in being dropped from his position as water-boy.

"Nothing. I just need a way to go through to Kate." He spoke mainly to himself.

* * *

Music Score: Dun dun Daaaaah!

To be Continued


	5. Moonlit Leak

Ugh, I'm as sick as a dog, and just bumming around at home. do-de-do. Funny how my boyfriend returned back from the repair shop with his new computer, holding triumphantly above his head a working laptop...he kinda reminded me of a caveman with a fresh kill...but that's just me. Got kinda pissed when his San Andreas program was deleted from the hard drive. Hahaha!

Thanks for all the reviews!

KenadiFaith04; tuxiedog2; angelwriter; lostgurll; TotallyLost- its great to hear all your reveiws!

Whirlwind-2005- great to hear from you again.

brooke-babe- make sure you don't cause an electrical fault/electrocution next time you spray pepsi on your screen. I don't want to be responsible for the first fanfiction-related death. hahaha!

Don't own LOST.

Would sell my soul to be with Charlie right now.

* * *

It was very early in the morning when Charlie woke beside Claire. He silently cursed drinking so much the night before, and he heaved himself out of the hut, quietly as not to wake Master Monster Turniphead.

As he tiptoed to the nearest tree, he mournfully wondered how he was going to get himself back to sleep…he could never get himself back to sleep once he woke up. Unzipping his pants, he sighed in relief as he released his bladder.

He looked around and gazed at the scenery surrounded by darkness, thinking of nothing in particular. Hearing a noise, he turned to look at a bunch of rustling bushes towards his left.

_Oh crap-o-rella,_ he thought, _this is no time to be caught with my pants down…_

A bedraggled Kate emerged from the bushes, just as Charlie put on his best ninja fighting stance. They looked at each other with a mixed look of shock, mirth and embarrassment.

"What are you doing here?" Kate hissed, ignoring the fact that Charlie still had his zipper down.

"Taking a leak. What the hell are you doing? You scared the bejeezus out of me." He gasped.

"Refilling my water," she replied, holding up her water bottle as evidence. Charlie rolled his eyes.

"Just let Jack do it…he's been wandering around like some poor lost soul, refilling everyone's water, forcing them to drink sometimes. I wouldn't be here right now if it wasn't for him…and I blame his suffering on you." Charlie shook an accusing finger.

"Me? Listen buster, he deserves to suffer in pain…"

"Kate…" Charlie sighed, "Things happen. You can't blame it all on Jack."

"I can and I will!" Kate turned an impatient head and marched off back into the forest. Charlie stuck out a lower lip and glared towards the bushes swaying in Kate's wake. Turning on his heel, he walked back to his hut.

Halfway across the scrub, near "Sawyer's Hoard" he was suddenly grabbed from behind. Spinning around in silence, he saw Jack's silhouette in the darkness.

"Kate," Jack breathed, "I need to talk to you."

Charlie released a rather feminine squeak of terror.

"Please listen to me. I have felt so guilty lately, and I really want to care for you." He said, clutching Charlie's shoulders tightly.

"Jack…" Charlie breathed in his high-pitched terror. This was by far the most terrifying ordeal Charlie had ever been through; he would rather face twenty polar bears than be in his position at that very moment in time.

"I really want to show you how I feel…" and Jack planted a wet kiss full on Charlie's mouth. Jack's eyes flew open in the dark.

"You're not Kate." He said stupidly.

"Great discovery Einstein; now get out of my way, I'm about to hurl." Charlie pushed him to the ground, and retched on the sand close by.

"Charlie? _Charlie!_" Jack gasped, "Oh…I. Am. So. Sorry." And Jack managed to burble off a few more apologies interlaced with strong swear words, "what the hell are you doing here?"

"Waiting for my male lover to sweep me off my feet in the middle of the night…I was taking a leak. What else do you think a normal man would do?" Charlie screeched in his lowest possible volume, "and why are you stalking Kate?"

"Me? Stalk Kate?" he said rather guiltily, "…well yes, that could be the most appropriate term for it."

"Of course you were stalking her, unless you wandered all this way out to take a dump," he said sarcastically, "And you wanted to say sorry," Charlie wiping his mouth thoroughly, "and, by the sounds of it, you want to marry her."

"Well…"

"Yes you do. That was a damn hard kiss." Charlie spat a few times after this.

"Well, she is trying to make me suffer and take all the blame…"

"Damn right she is." Charlie nodded.

"Really?"

"Yes, if you were here two seconds earlier, she would've told you a piece of her mind." Charlie said evenly. In the darkness, Charlie could see Jack's head prick like a fox that caught a scent.

"Where is she? Which way did she go?" he asked, grabbing him by the shoulders.

"She went to the caves to get some water. Obviously she doesn't want you to do it." he said, pushing Jack away for the second time that night. Then suddenly Jack was gone, disappearing into the night.

Charlie shook his head in dismay, resuming his journey back to the hut. There was now no way to get back to sleep tonight. In fact, he thought ruefully, it was unlikely he would sleep properly again for weeks.

* * *

What a random turn of events. Poor Charlie, Mwhahaha!

Have finally got internet access at home. Wireless too. Yaayyyy!


	6. Crazy French Woman!

New chapter! Yaheyy! Just something random i wrote in English when i was supposed to be doing an essay, do-de-do. :Looks innocently about, then grins evilly:

I love all the reviews! and over1000 hits WOW

Don't own LOST.

* * *

Kate tiptoed quietly through the caves, stepping over people at some points. The moon lit the walls of the caves eerily and snores filled the air. She crouched near the edge of the pool, and filled up her bottle.

_Someone should really make some clay jugs or something; because this plastic has nearly died, and I'm sick of using coconut halves all the time_ she thought as a spurt of water dribbled down the side of the plastic bottle.

She drank for a little while, wondering why Jack had not been guarding the entrance of the caves. She looked around and saw only sleeping bodies. Shrugging, she went quietly out of the caves and walked towards the forest.

She didn't get very far until someone grabbed her from behind, covering her mouth with a slim, yet strong hand.

"Who are you? Vat are you doing 'ere?" a woman breathed, holding a knife to her neck that shone softly in the moonlight. Kate rolled her eyes towards Danielle, squirming out of her arms, "Oh, eet iz you. I zought zat you vere one of ze Ozzers." She said letting go of Kate, and slipping her knife back in its sheath.

"I was filling up my water." Kate gasped, hugging herself.

"Oh, I see. Zen, why didn't you let ze doctor do it?" Danielle asked. Kate noted grimly that she might just show some vague resemblance to the wild French woman.

"I'm not talking to him." Kate nodded curtly.

"Ah, yes, I remember about zat."

"What are you doing up?"

"Guarding the caves. Zat eediot 'Urley fell aasleep again. 'E took over ze doctor's job, ven Jack wanted to be ze vater-boy. I said "no", 'Urley vould find eet boring and fall aasleep. I vas right and so 'ere I am," Danielle shrugged, "If ze camp vas attacked by ze Ozzers, ve vould all be dead."

"Danielle, we have had no whisperings of the Others since that time when Locke went to the hatch for the second time..."

"And 'e learnt 'is lesson, no? Blind in one eye! Come, come. I'll get you back to ze beach camp." Danielle ushered her to the path.

"Danielle, really. I'm fine." Kate insisted.

"No. I can't let you be taken by ze Ozzers. Or ze polar bears. Or ze ozzer freaky zings een zis godforsaken jungle." The French woman said. Kate rolled her eyes and agreed.

It was all a very silent affair, walking along the forest path, while Danielle paused at moments, listening for any unusual sounds. Kate just continued walking, sometimes stepping over the woman at some points.

_Freak_ Kate thought.

Suddenly Danielle tackled Kate from behind, falling on top of her behind a clump of bushes, her mouth once again covered by the woman's slender hands. Danielle paused, sitting absolutely rock still.

"..an't breathe." Kate chocked. Danielle gripped her mouth tighter. Kate stopped struggling. It was debateable wether she stopped struggling because she also heard a noise, or she fainted for a lack of air.

Never-the-less, Jack walked up the forest path, muttering quietly to himself. Danielle noted that he wasn't speaking cohesively, saying something about "marriage…Charlie…kiss…water…baby". She thought to herself (in French) that perhaps the island was getting to Jack as well, or that he was speaking in some strange local American dialect, like the guys in Louisiana. Either way, there was no way that Jack was completely sane at that particular moment. After he had disappeared from sight, she looked down at Kate's limp form.

"All right, m'amie?" she asked, the last part in French.

"…refuse to be…called "Mummy"." Kate muttered, struggling.

"I asked eef you vere alright."

"No…Get off." And Kate pushed the woman off with great difficulty. Danielle landing in the bushes softly, while Kate wheezed, "next time you do that, warn me, or I will kill you."

"Sometimes, eet takes too long to warn someone." She shrugged, getting up. Kate seethed.

"I'll get home by myself, thank you very much," she huffed, "I'm nearly there anyway. Besides, it seems like Jack needs some company." Kate hoped that she would take the bait.

"Yes, I agree. Zat Jack will need someone to help him if ze Ozzers come. Goodbye." And Danielle disappeared into the forest.

_Yes!_ Kate thought, _I get to exact revenge without even having to do it directly!_ She danced a little, walking to the shack which she called home. Somewhere in the forest, she heard a distressed cry of a particular young doctor. Kate grinned evilly as she reached the front door

* * *

To be continued... mwahahaha! 


	7. Claire's Entry II

Egads! I'm sorry I took so long! I've had a rather rocky week involving study issues and friend issues. Not happy Janice. If you want to know one of my best friends (now ex-best friend) didn't invite me to her 18th birthday party. She told me it was a choice between me or her boyfriend in a booked party of 10. What surprised me is that she invited a boy she didn't particulary like too much and some of the people didn't turn up...now she's acting if its all my fault, and I'm quite prepared to forgive her. People are weird sometimes.

Enough of that, this isn't exactly a blog.

I have been wondering how many males are on this site, coz all I see are fangirls. ARE THERE ANY FANBOYS OUT THERE?

:silence:

I guess not. Anyway, I'm wondering also if there are any kiwis (New Zealanders) out there. Living in Australia for such a long time, I have been really out of touch with my own kind.

Don't own LOST.

Thanks for the reviews

Charlie is cute.

* * *

Claire's Diary

20th October 2006

It's official: Kate's pregnant. I would congratulate her, but she has not emerged from Sawyer's Hoard for about a week now, and I would be tortured if I even breathe any word related to babies.

Jack has been wandering around "like a lost fart", according to Charlie. She's being unreasonable; thinking it's all Jack's fault. We're either going to make Kate come to terms with this pregnancy, or put Jack out of his misery. I can already see Locke sharping his knife as Jackmopes around. Either way, we need to get out of this persistent gloom that's taken over the island.

Speaking about Jack, he managed to receive a broken arm the other night. He refuses to tell us how it happened, but I strongly suspect that it has something to do with Charlie or that Crazy French Woman. Charlie told me the whole "Magic at Midnight" story. I couldn't stop laughing, even after he told me to stop. Now he's gone all moody.

Aaron has finally stopped singing "Kate's Song", and has turned his interests to Charlie's guitar. Charlie played him "Smoke on the Water" and now that's all Aaron wants to hear. He listens to it over, and over, and over again. Charlie is getting tired, his fingers swelling up. His says he doesn't mind, but I know that he would rather be trying to find that herd of goats that Locke suspects is on the island. Any change from pork or fish would be great; and Hurley is looking forward to milkshakes, if we find a nanny goat or not.

Actually, I think I've found a way to get through to Kate. I would tell you, but I'm at the end of the page (ahaha, I'm so evil), and I'll catch up later.

* * *

Yeah, I know it's short. But I'm getting there! Don't kill me for the lack of words!

The milkshakes part is an in-joke


	8. Perpetual Head Cold

Yay! I'm back! An extra long chappie for you chappies out there! hahaha. I'm still trying toconduct that surveyofhow many Kiwis and males out there (I know, I'm obsessed). I've had some luck:

Kiwi count: 2 (me and another guy) - Kia Ora, dudes!

Male count: 1 (one of my best friends' brother) maybe I should look in the comic book section or in the movies. What d'ya think?

Well, here's my story, rude and crude as usual.

Don't own LOST.

* * *

Kate slowly woke up to the normal racket of the dawn chorus. She blinked slowlyin the grey warmth of her hut. Rolling under the blankets, she shoved her head under the pillow, mumbling something inanely.

Finally deciding to get up (she was beginning to feel clammy) she moped over to a stretch of wall and took out a knife and carved a line next to the other 20 lines on the wall: 21 days pregnant. _21 days in hell_ she thought miserably. She did "The Check" on her stomach for the umpteenth time; still no bulge. Grabbing a stick, she proceeded to whack piles of fabric and suitcases in another routine check of her's, listening for cries of pain. But she doubted that not even Jack would be that stupid.

She ducked out of the hut, looking both ways before she emerged and tiptoed away for a pee. So far, her sneaky ways had worked; she had not talked or seen anyone for quite some time now. Not that she cared about a social life, but shutting herself away like a teenager seemed like the most preferable course of action.

The only way to get any communication out of her was to come knocking or barging into the hut.

There was a loud knock on the door.

"WOULD YOU FUCK OFF!" she yelled. Yep, that was her communication for the day. The knocking persisted.

"OKAY, THAT'S IT! I KNOW IT'S YOU JACK SHEPHERD! WOULD YOU KINDLY FUCK _OFF_!" she screamed, inching her way to the door. Flinging it open, she stood face to face with three pregnant young women and a child. She promptly fainted.

---

---

"I don't think Kate would've handled seeing so many pregnant women at one time." Shannon was heard remarking. Kate drifted back into reality.

"Perhaps you're right. Do you think Aaron was a bit too much?" Claire asked. Kate suddenly wanted to faint again.

"Yep." agreed Shannon, Sun and Aaron in unison. Kate opened one eye then shut it tightly again. She was under the leafy shade of a palm, resting with the three mothers, with small platters of food nearby.

"Oh my God, I think she is awake." Shannon smirked, brushing away a few of Kate's hairs away from her face.

"Why am I here?" Kate moaned. Claire pursed her lips and placed her hands on her hips.

"We've decided that we've had enough of your moping around the camp. We know very well that you're pregnant and it's time for you to face the music." She said in her most motherly voice.

"I am facing the music…but can you turn it down, please?" Kate opened both eyes now, staring blankly at the sky. Claire laughed kindly.

"Come on, Kate. Being pregnant is not all that bad…I mean, it's actually quite nice after a while," she giggled, patting her swollen stomach, "it's something to do with the bulge, I reckon."

"What am I doing out here?" Kate stared, completely ignoring Claire.

"We've told you already. Stop being so antisocial and relax a little." Shannon huffed. Kate finally stood up and began to walk away.

"Kate," Claire sighed, struggling to get up after her. Kate quickened her pace, but instead ran into Charlie and Hurley, walking around the trees. Both men looked delighted at the sight of her.

"Wow, dude, you're looking a lotlike Michael Jackson!" Hurley blurted, then opened his mouth in shock. Kate was trying to kill him with death stares, and it nearly worked too.

"Thanks heaps, dog breath." And stormed away, but before she could reach the clearing, Charlie called out to her.

"Oi! Kate! I suggest you don't go back to your hut. Jack's staking it out for the day, waiting for you to come out!" he laughed. Kate looked at him inquisitively.

"We didn't bother to tell him you were here…" Hurley beamed, as well as the other girls.

"Ah," Sun said delightedly, clapping her hands together, "no distractions. Come back Kate, we've made a little party for you." She indicated to the platters of food where Aaron was already tucking in.

_Let me think…party, women and child? Or crazy madman and stuffy hut?_ She thought, _it's a no-brainer. I'll stay._

She sighed and sat back down, taking the coconut half Shannon offered her. While Kate nibbled, the others began talking around her of the activities on the island. Kate soon realised how much she had missed after ostracising herself for nearly a fortnight: Sayid had formally asked Shannon to marry her; from nowhere, a cargo tank had mysteriously beached itself, defying all laws of physics getting to the island. The entire load turned out to be products heading towards an island of the pacific, and full of food.

_This possibly explains why there is toffee on a ceramic plate_ Kate mused. Aaron suddenly started to sing, burbling something intelligible, yet familiar, and Claire hushed him up quickly.

"Is Turnip' _still_ singing that song?" Charlie sighed picking up the toddler.

"I'm afraid so. Perhaps we should teach him something nicer…" Claire nodded, watching Charlie bounce the tot on his knee as Hurley made faces (which was quite funny to watch, for despite his huge weight loss, Hurley's face still looked like a hairy puffer fish). Aaron giggled with delight, sticking his hands in his mouth.

"Dude, what is with these ankle-biters and them having a perpetual head cold? I mean, this little guy's running like a tap." Hurley groaned as a large snot bubble grew from Aaron's nose. A muscle in Kate's eye twitched as Claire popped it and tried to wipe it away with a clean cloth, but to no avail.

"Dude." Aaron giggled, squirming away from Charlie's grasp, his blonde curls heading straight towards the toffee.

"Hurley!" Charlie gasped, "You're a bad influence on the kid! First he's talking like you, now he's eating like you." He pointed at the toddler and the rapidly depleting toffee. As Hurley made his rebuttal, Aaron looked up and saw Kate.

_Oh crap. This kid's caught my scent_ she thought as the kid teetered over to her with open, sticky hands. Kate tried to shoo him away, but Aaron slipped under her flailing arms and grabbed her arm with tiny little hands and looked into her eyes with his own deep blue ones.

"Kate," he gurgled and snuggled into her lap.

"Uh, guys?" she asked nervously, holding the child as gently as if he was a bomb waiting to explode. Everyone looked at her and the blonde child in surprise.

"He's sleeping," Shannon gasped.

"He's _what?_" Kate hissed quietly.

"It's a miracle." Claire said amazed.

"You have no idea how hard it is to get that child to sleep." Charlie gaped. Kate felt uncomfortable, squirming under the sudden weight that appeared on her shoulders. Then looking down into the child's peaceful face; she started to wonder what her own child would ever look this cute. Snot, sticky hands and all.

Then quite suddenly, she had an epiphany. It was very sudden and quite unlooked for; otherwise she would have stopped it coming earlier. She decided she wanted her child more than anything in the world. Then, as if by chance, a beam of light burst through the jungle canopy and highlighted Kate in all her enlightened glory. For the first time in weeks, Kate smiled genuinely.

Walking over, Charlie gently picked up the child from her lap and walked carefully back to their hut, Claire tagging along behind. As soon as Aaron was safely in his bed sleeping, he turned to the smiling blonde woman beside him.

"What're you looking so smug about?" he asked, smiling cheekily.

"Oh…nothing. That was quite amazing back there, with Kate smiling and all." She replied.

"Did you plan any of this? Did you put something into that toffee so Aaron would go to sleep exactly when Kate smiled and a beam of light burst through the trees?" Charlie asked shrewdly, walking back to the clearing. Claire shook her head, but continued to grin wildly.

_Women,_ Charlie thought rolling his eye subtly _somehow they manage to plan everything just right, and yet they never tell you what they're planning for._

* * *

Oh ho hoho, this was fun. I have a baby sister myself, and I know what it's like to go through the perpetual head cold, sicky fingers and random cute moments. Not that I want a kid...mum really put me off kids when both my sisters were born. Honestly, I would've thought mum would have learnt her lesson by having me.

Apparently, I was planned. A planned mistake, more like. A mistake for having me or any other children. ahahahahahahahahahaha!

Oh, never mind me, I'm just going off my rocker again.


	9. Charlie and the Chocolate Factory

Ah! My god! how long has it been? Gah, I'm so sorry that I've kept you waiting, but things have been going on in my little world and I have had no time whatso ever to write any random humour (I've been writin tragedies, that I can tell you). Here's an extra long chapter for you guys out there who were sharpening their knives for a new chapter (looks around nervously, expecting several people to jump out ninja style at her).

This is mostly Charlie and Hurley conversation. I just love those two

Have recently become obsessed with Willy Wonka. I saw the movie two nights ago, read some fanfic and have become hooked. Willy is so cute (and he is_not_ Michael Jackson, Jazo u freak!) and I love purple eyes!

Don't own LOST, nor do I own Charlie and the Chocololate factory, nor do I own Harry Potter :sigh:(why are the pleasures in life denied to me?)

I own Rangi.

* * *

The large shipping container lay on the beach like a large brick: heavy, red and rectangular in shape. Its unassuming look created a huge interest on the island, especially with Hurley. As soon as the container was opened, Hurley swapped his job as Camp Look-Out with the crazy French woman to Container Inspector quicker than a fangirl running towards Dominic Monaghan. He was aided, in part, by Charlie, Locke, Claire and the crazy French woman. Everyone else left him to it; especially on this particular afternoon since Shannon was giving birth.

There was several specific reasons why those four (and a half, if you included little Aaron snoozing peacefully in the shadows, watched hawkishly by Danielle, who was in turn watched hawkishly by Charlie) were not present for the birth: Locke was still distrusted by Shannon and went cold whenever he was nearby; Danielle could not be trusted by any when there was a newborn nearby; Charlie was baby-and-crazy-French-woman-sitting and was quite glad to be left out of such hectic matters; Hurley disliked the sight of blood and birth fluids, and couldn't understand why girls did that icky mother thing with the slimy, scrunched up thing they had just popped out…in fact he volunteered to leave.

Locke and Danielle were sitting on the roof of the container, their legs dangling over the side as Hurley and Charlie carried out random artefacts and sorted them into specific categories: Food, Clothes, Stuff That Is Useful and Random Things Sayid Might Like.

"Zis is such a nice day," Danielle said happily, tossing her hair in the warm wind. Locke nodded beside her, swinging his legs and nearly kicking Hurley in the face as he emerged from the container.

"Dude! Watch it!" he yelled, jumping to one side. The large bag he was carrying over-balanced him and toppled to one side with a loud thump. The island's influence had changed Hurley physically; he still was the Star-wars Dude-quoting Geek with a loud and exuberant nature, but minus the hairy puffer-fish face and XXXL large jeans. He got up and dusted the sand off him and the bag, glaring evilly at Locke.

"Oi! Hurley! What's in the bag?" Charlie asked, sorting out between razors and electric shavers. Hurley shrugged and opened the bag, smiling insanely at what he saw.

"Do you think we need a different pile?" he asked.

"Perhaps, why?" he asked coming over.

"Because I have no idea where we'll put blow-up pool toys." He grinned pulling out a deflated, yellow and purple swimming ring. Charlie grinned.

"I dunno, d'ya reckon that Sayid'll think it's useful?"

"I zink zat you should put it in the "could be ussful" pile." Danielle shouted from the container. Charlie snapped around.

"If you want to help, come down here and do it instead of sitting up there moping!" Charlie frowned at Danielle, who returned his evil stare.

"I am not moping! I am sure you are "perfaktly capable" of doing zings yourself." she huffed, folding her arms.

"You're moping." Hurley nodded.

"You're just upset coz Jack said you couldn't come to the birth." Charlie mocked. He still had some grudges for Danielle and wasn't about to let such an opportunity to poke some fun at her get away from him.

"Oh no, I am sure zey are also "perfaktly capable" of delivering a baby wizout me." She sneered.

"Well, no woman in labour wants to hear about "Ze Ozzers" getting her baby, your problems in birth and see your ugly mug hovering near the new-born." Charlie snarled, throwing the swim toys in an "Other Random Things" pile. Danielle stuck up her nose like the Frenchwoman she was and brooded in silence, which fitted with the other three (and a half) males on the beach.

"I'm glad Jack and Kate finally got together." Charlie sighed happily, also glad that they were with Shannon right then.

"Yeah, same here; though I never knew what exactly happened." Hurley said walking back to the container, ducking just in case Danielle decided to swing her legs on purpose.

"You didn't?" Charlie asked shocked, looking at Hurley in the dark. The larger man giggled bashfully.

"I was occupied with the more alcoholic substances found in the container." He confessed. Charlie raised an eyebrow.

"More alcoholic?" he queried.

"Okay, okay, a fifty year old scotch to be precise. So tell me what happened?" he said, lifting up a box.

"Well, after out little "ladies party", Kate decided to go and see Jack."

"Yep, got that part." Hurley nodded.

"Except Jack thought that Kate was going to attack him and ran away."

"Who wouldn't? She kinda looked like the girl off "The Ring"." Hurley smiled as they walked back out of the container carrying two boxes each.

"Anyway, Jack goes all queer…"

"For you." Hurley sniggered

"Not funny," Charlie gave him a death-laser glare, "Jack goes all WEIRD, and keeps running away from Kate. I thought the whole fiasco would flare up again because Jack was being a jerk."

Hurley rolled his eyes and set down the boxes,

"Then Claire suddenly decided to become Evil Matchmaker again, and set them up to meet in the same place. Claire and I watched from the bushes as they found each other and looked like contestants in a staring competition; still as statues. I could cut the tension in the air with a knife. Seriously, this went on for at least fifteen minutes and I was about to shoot them both when they came together and began a snog-fest, not a single word was spoken during that whole time. I wanted to leave just then, but Claire had these huge, wet eyes and a dorky smile on her face…it was an experience not unlike watching a Chick-Flick." Charlie guffawed.

Hurley smiled maniacally, wondering secretly what the hell a Chick-Flick was. He flipped out a small knife and split open the top. His eyes dazzled with wonder.

"…Chocolate!" he drooled triumphantly. Charlie suddenly looked wild and snatched a bar. He opened it greedily and the near melted chocolate drizzled a bit down his hands. Hurley did likewise and looked at the brand.

"Wonka bars…their logo has changed." Hurley mused, opening the wrapper.

"Golden ticket?" Charlie joked with a full mouth, his face in the biggest smile he had for a while.

"Uh…" Hurley said, looking at the gold foil sitting lightly in his hands. Charlie nearly dropped his Wonka bar in the sand. Hurley whooped in delight, skipping around screaming the song "I've Got a Golden Ticket" waving the gold foil in the air. Danielle and Locke looked at him with vague amusement. Suddenly Hurley stopped mid-skip.

"I'm still on this FUCKING Island!" he cried, dropping his knees into the sand. Charlie raced over and patted him on the back.

"There there. I'm sure the ticket made the chocolate taste terrible." Charlie sighed.

"No it didn't! It was the best damn chocolate I have ever had, and the Island ruined it for me. I even got a golden ticket!" the larger man sobbed, pummelling his fists into the sand. Charlie sat in the background, munching his chocolate, waiting until the tantrum fizzled out. It was kind of like watching Aaron kick and scream…which was mildly amusing. Finally, the grown man's anger petered out and he sat there holding the ticket.

"Here, Charlie," he sniffed, holding out the ticket, "have this."

"Uh, why?" he asked, taking the ticket and pocketing it.

"Dude," he looked at him incredulously, "_Charlie_ and the chocolate factory." He finished lamely while Charlie grinned, running a hand down his short stubble. Suddenly, they saw Rangi dash out of the trees with a big grin on his face.

"Hey! Hey! Shannon's had her baby!" he yelled to the group on the beach, and several grins were returned.

"What is it?" Charlie asked, heaving Hurley from the ground, referring to the new-born.

"It's a boy." Rangi said breathlessly, his dark eyes glinted happily. Locke laughed pleasantly, walking over.

"That's great," he said, "Perhaps we should give her a congratulations gift."

"I know just the thing," Hurley said, racing back to the assorted piles. A few seconds later he returned with the large box of chocolate, "Taa Daaaaa!"

"Is that…" Rangi gaped. Charlie nodded, picking Aaron up who had just toddled over from his nap.

"Yes it is." Hurley said proudly. Rangi looked impressed and led the way back to the caves where Shannon was currently residing. After a while, Aaron asked.

"Daddy, where we going?"

"We're going to see the new baby." Charlie said.

"Whatsa baby?"

"A very little person." Charlie said.

"Like me?"

"Yes, like you, but smaller."

"Like bug?" Aaron giggled.

"Well, they look like a bug sometimes. You certainly did." Charlie mused. Hurley laughed, tuning onto the conversation.

"Am I buggy?"

"No." Charlie laughed. There was a small pause.

"Whas Hurley got?" Aaron asked, pointing at the box.

"Lots of chocolate."

"Watsa xocklit?"

"Something really yummy."

"Like bug?" Aaron asked innocently. Hurley burst out laughing.

"Eeerrr, yes, like bug." Charlie frowned, wondering if Aaron needed a little supervision when it came to his dietary habits.

* * *

Heh heh, my little sister used to talk a lot like that. I'd always wanted a baby brother (I grew up in an all female house) and when she was born, I tried to make her a tomboy...it worked to a degree, but i failed miserably when it came to barbies.

I hate pink and even though I owned them, I tried to get clothes that were not pink (which most of the time was green which I hate the MOST).

'Til next time, I'll see you when I see you.


	10. New Arrival and Claire's Entry III

I am sooo sorry you guys to keep you waiting, but I've had a helluva lot on my plate recently with school work and all. Currently sore and in a rotten mood: split from boyfriend today because of a lack of communication, like a caveman he only knows "ug" and "ooh"...oh, I can been so mean sometimes, we're still good friends. Apart from that, I had to pick up ready-made grass today and had spiders crawl up my arms (I can tolerate spiders and pick them up, but not when they're crawling down my shirt) so yeah, feeling less than perfect at the moment.

Don't own LOST

I'd rather be in Kate's position at the moment.

* * *

"It looks lika bug, daddy." Aaron commented, peering over at Shannon's newborn. Kate bit her lip to keep herself from laughing; she had changed a little once she had emerged from Sawyer's Hoard, she was now laughing and joking as she did before, and her hair was kempt and a little bulge had appeared in place of a flat stomach.

The entire cave was in high spirits, and nearly all the women so far had bent down to see the small prune of a boy which looked extraordinary like his father, cooing and purring like little girls who had just found a puppy. Kate herself was tired after the long labour, and Shannon was nearly nodding off herself, but had enough strength to smile and feed the baby.

As she watched Shannon and Sayid dote over little Ali, she felt a familiar hand slip into her own.

"Hello sweetness." Jack kissed the back of her neck, causing her heart to leap delightedly.

"Good afternoon cowboy." Kate replied, turning around and attempted to kiss Jack, only to find her lips obstructed by something small pressing gently against her lower lip. She opened her mouth a little and Jack slipped in a small square block, and her eyes lit up as she tasted creamy chocolate melting in her mouth.

"Mmmmm." She sighed, suddenly very contented. Jack offered another one to her lips and she took it greedily.

"Hurley found the chocolate." Jack answered her unvoiced question. She smiled, not showing her chocolate-covered lips and quickly grabbed the chocolate block he was holding. She leapt up and ran away with the chocolate, with Jack following close behind her.

"Come back you little rascal." Jack laughed, pushing back the trees.

"Never! The chocolate is mine!" Kate giggled, stopping behind a tree so that he could catch up. When he caught her, Kate wrapped her arms her arms around him, pressing her freckled nose against his playfully, "If you want chocolate, you'll have to ask me for some."

"Can I have some chocolate?"

"What's the magic word?" Kate teased.

"Please." Kate smiled at his cute imitation of a small child, his eyes wide and glistening.

"Oh, you're so cute." She squirmed delightedly, and she broke off a piece of chocolate and fed it to him. He smiled and kissed her, pressing her against the tree. She could taste the chocolate and the slight cinnamon that was Jack. After what seemed like eternity squeezed into a second, she saw something out of the corner of her eye.

"Well well well, isn't this a sight for sore eyes." A familiar Southern accent mocked. The couple swivelled around to see Sawyer, mangy and frazzled with a light ragged pack on his shoulders, familiar blue eyes twinkling with something like madness.

-o0o-

Claire's Diary

5th September 2006

Oh. My. God.

Three words: Sawyer is back.

We thought he had died, and now here he is, strutting around the island like he had never left. Yesterday, after the birth of Shannon's baby (gorgeous little guy too, Ali. It just makes me want to get this birth over and done with so I can have a little one to cuddle) he walks in on Jate and Kack, I mean, Jake and Kake. Errgh, I mean Jack and Kate smooching like the little angels they are. What a mess. He then stalks into the room, doesn't say "hello, I'm alive" and grabs a chocolate bar from Hurley and starts eating it. Sayid looked ready to murder him. Sawyer, I think, is a little crazy.

He told his crazy little story late last night. After the raft took off, they found several men on a boat, yet instead of saving them he was shot, that raft was torched and Walt was abducted. Sawyer barely managed to survive, the wound was shallow, but it wouldn't stop bleeding completely and Michael had to make-do by using a thread of cotton from his shirt and a wood splinter to sew the wound up. By some miracle, the current landed them on the beach again where Sawyer recovered enough to walk.

Sawyer stopped at this point to eat some roast pork, and everyone was silent until he had finished. His story just kept on getting weirder by the minute: Michael was adamant about finding Walt, yet they searched the island for him and not the seas by some strange inkling Michael had. Sawyer did not want to search anymore for the little boy and had a huge argument with Michael and they separated ways a week or two ago.

Jack asked how long it had been since he recovered from his gunshot wound. Sawyer said it had only been five months. Hurley said something about him being on his death bed for over a year and a half. Sawyer frowned and said that he was only ill for a month; then he notices Aaron for the first time and said "Kids don't grow up that fast, not in six months." He asked how long it had been since the raft left, and Sayid informed him that it had been well over two years.

There was this loud silence, even little Ali was quiet, before that Crazy French woman stood up and said, "Ze Ozzers got you," looking very much like a crazy seer who had just cast an ominous prophecy.

God, I know what they look like.

I had to snuggle up really close to Charlie and Aaron last night (not that they mind, but Baby Number Two always seems to get in the way more) I was a little more to the freaked-out side of paranoid. Couldn't sleep. Danielle and Sawyer kept dancing in my dreams when instead I should've been thinking about Charlie and Hurley's Amazing Chocolate Discovery and my matchmaking success that I've been gloating on recently. Kate and Jack are reaallyyy cute together.

* * *

Dun dun daaaa! To be continued...please review! 


	11. Not Funny

Sorry Guys for not updating...one word: exams. I'm still halfway through my exams, but i felt it was time to update. I realised that the new season of Lost is already out in America...shiiiit, my whole fanfic will be ruined! lol, i think that's the dread of any theory fanfictioneer is to have all their theories dashed against the wall. But, then again, we are not the writers of the actual things. Just bear with me on tis one.

This is not a funny chapter...believe me. I tried adding some lighter moments, but this is a comedy/drama, and I had to add a little tragedy as well.

Don't own Lost.

Going on a tropical holiday later (with new boyfriend)

* * *

Kate slumbered fitfully, tossing about. Sawyer's unexplainable arrival had made her uneasy, especially with the very real threat of The Others returning. She had dreams of being captured by faceless and nameless people or many Ethans and them taking away her child. She woke with a sudden start, only to find Hurley shaking her awake.

"Hurley, what is it?" she asked rubbing her eyes.

"It's Claire and Sun. They're having their babies." He said, holding a torch away from her eyes.

"Together? Damn…it's gonna be a long night." She groaned, getting out of bed.

They marched up to the caves, where both parties were having their babies. Jack hailed her over and she leant in for the discussion.

"Kate, I want you to deliver Claire's baby…you've worked with her before perfectly; she's already about to pop. I'm going to help Sun; she looks like she's having a bit of trouble." He said, and sure enough there was a loud screech of pain and several Korean expletives.

"Sure. I'm no mid-wife, but I'll do it." she said, wide awake now. Just as she was walking away, Jack stopped her.

"You'll need these." He said and gave her a pair of silicone gloves. She nodded and went over to Claire, who was huffing and gripping onto Charlie's hand tightly. Charlie looked in as much pain as his partner.

"Hello there. I'm going to be your mid-wife for this birth." Kate grinned, snapping on her gloves and wiggling her fingers in mock anticipation. Claire looked rather creeped out, "Alright then, how long have you been in labour for?"

"An hour." Said Charlie.

"_You've_ been in labour for an hour…I was under the impression that Claire was the one giving birth" Kate quipped. Charlie blushed, while Claire tried to show that she was amused, but her smile was more like a grimace.

"Omigodomigosomigodomigodimagodimagod:gasp:omigawwwwwwwwwwwwd! Owwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwww!" Claire yelled as she contracted. There were some audible snaps as Charlie's hand was clenched tightly throughout the contraction. There was now lots of pushing, screaming, crying and swearing as Claire tried to push the baby out, and this went on for another half hour…soon:

"I can see the head!" Kate said triumphantly.

"Is it a boy or a girl?" Charlie asked anxiously. However, both mid-wife and mother ignored the stupidity of the question as they went through the last stages of labour.

"And push!"

"AAAAAAAAaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaahhhhhhhhhhhhhhh! Holy Shit!" Claire screamed. And suddenly there were fresh young wails of a new born, and once again Claire did the funny mother thing by laughing and crying with the newborn in a blanket on a chest.

"Wow, the first words this one would hear would be swear words," Charlie laughed as he regarded his daughter for the first time, "wow, she's beautiful."

"She's got your lips, Charlie," Claire smiled warily.

"And I'm glad she has your nose…my nose would not look good on a girl…" Charlie stated and they glowed in parenthood.

Kate however had to deal with the afterbirth, which had decided to slop over Kate's sandals. She shuddered and cut the purplish umbilical cord, saying congratulations to the jubilant couple of their new baby girl. Kate immediately left to dispose of the placenta…she didn't want the dog to find it like he did at Shannon's birth. It wasn't a very pleasant sight.

In the end, she consented in dropping the little piece of Claire down the longdrop, however unethical it may have seen. Naturally, humans were supposed to eat the afterbirth…or so had Kate heard.

_Gross…I hate afterbirth…I wonder how Jack is going_ she wondered and headed back to the caves. She found him with Sun, looking utterly exhausted. Sun looked like she was dying, she was so much in pain.

"Jack, what's happened?" She asked alarmed.

"Twins…but I think there is a problem…" He said as Sun went through another contraction, "I would do a caesarean, but Sun would bleed to death, and we have no anaesthetic."

Then suddenly a foot emerged, "Damn, this one's coming out the wrong way." He swore. Rangi, who was holding Sun's head, looked alarmed, "don't worry Rangi, I'm sure they'll be fine…" he said, but Kate could see the desperation in his face. Another hour later, a boy slipped out screaming; Kate took it in her arms, wrapping him in a blanket. She was going to give him to Sun, but she was trying to pass the other child through. Kate stood there, knowing that the child needed to be breastfed soon. She turned away from the distressing scene and reached Claire and Charlie, whose celebrations were dulled by Sun's troubled birth.

"Claire, I need a favour from you," Kate said, holding the squalling boy, "can you spare the other breast for this one? Until Sun gives birth to her other one at least."

Claire, bounded buy the laws set by maternal instincts, nodded and took the child immediately. She sat there, feeding both of them.

"Wow, I feel like a cow," she remarked, mainly to herself as Kate went back to where Sun was lying. She arrived in time to hear the last agonising crescendo, before the baby was delivered.

With horror, Kate heard no cry.

Sun fell unconscious with a slump, and Kate rushed to steady her with Rangi crying streams of tears. For a second, Kate thought Sun had died, but Sun's breathing was clearly audible. Once she had made she was safe and secure, she looked up to find Jack and the still-born gone.

Alarmed, she raced off to find the young doctor in a small clearing away from the caves, holding a tiny bundle. She could see in the early morning light that he was crying silently.

"I know how to deliver babies…I could've saved this one. This one could be alive." His voice cracked.

"Jack, I know you. I know you are a fantastic doctor, and you try with all your heart."

"I don't try hard enough…"

"Yes, you do. You tried to revive Charlie long after I would've given up. You tried with all your strength, putting your own health on the line, to save Boone. I know how much you care. This one…this is a tragedy that we could not have avoided." She said, taking the stillborn into her arms. She opened the blanket: the face was small and delicate, eyelashes delicately curled and hands clenched into tiny fists. One could almost think that it was sleeping, if the greyish tinge had not been there. She closed over the covers, fat tears rolling down her cheeks.

"I just help thinking, what if this happened to us? What happens if this was our child that we were holding? I don't think I could bear it." he said softly. She softly placed a hand on his cheek and turned his face to look at him more clearly.

"We don't know. We don't know what will happen. But for now, there is a young woman in there who is ill and needs a doctor's help. I don't want to lose Sun either." She whispered. He nodded and then caught her in a tight embrace.

"I don't want to lose you either." He said. She returned the embrace as much as she could with a dead child in her arms, and kept silent. He turned away without another word back inside the caves, leaving Kate alone in the forest, the morning light not piercing the darkness of the trees or in her heart.

* * *

:Starts crying her eyes out: It's sooo sad! nuuuuuuuuu! 


	12. Pink Jock Strap

Ah ha! I'm back once again with Kate's Delimma! LOST in general has become a slight delimma for me, as now everyone's writing fanfic regarding the second season. I should've waiiiitted for the series to end! Nuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuu! Oh well, things are funnier this way. Thank you for those who have clung on to this fic, even if they are dissapointed that they don't get to see whats-her-face (Ana-Maria? Ana-Lucia? Blonde chick?)!

Ha, will be going on my little paradise trip. White sandy beaches, warm pacific ocean, hot boyfriend lying next to me (though not as cute as Sawyer,Charlie or Jack). Bring on the martini and the wild late-night dancing! w00t! I will attempt to become brown, and I shall no longer be "The White Whale!" but "Brown Beach Goddess!" Bring on the skin cancer! lol.

Don't own LOST

Not even the DVD collection yet :(

* * *

Kate trudged along the beach glumly; her mind set into going back into the hut, changing into some clean clothes, eating her week's supply of chocolate in one sitting and sleep. Despair clouded her eyes as she remembered how she had to leave the dead child to the side as she helped move the still unconscious Sun to Jack's small doctor's practise and sort out with Claire and later Shannon about caring for the healthy twin boy. She felt utterly exhausted, and fell through her door (which was really just a mat) drowsily, only to find herself confronting a very naked Sawyer.

"WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU DOING IN MY HOUSE!" she screamed, covering her eyes in horror. Sawyer initially had his back to Kate, and turned around when he heard her scream showing of his masculine appendages, "TURN THE FUCK AROUND! WHY ARE YOU NAKED IN MY HOUSE!" she yelled again.

"What? I don't think I heard you." Sawyer rubbing his ringing ears, making no effort to cover himself or to turn around.

"Why. Are. You. Naked. In. My. House?" she said slowly, peeping through her hands just so she only saw the top half of him.

"Your house? Excuse me, but I thought that this place was well and truly mine when I left." Sawyer said.

"_We thought you were dead!_" Kate said shrilly, "the house was officially abandoned when you left, and _this was never your house to begin with!"_

"It has my name on it! "Sawyer's Hoard" is written in great big letters out the front." He pointed out the door (which was really a mat).

"_I don't really care, right now. **For goodness sakes put some goddamn clothes on!**_" she stamped her foot hard on the ground, not wanting to get involved in a property dispute.

"I thought you didn't mind seeing my naked body; since when did you become a nun, Freckles?" Sawyer asked slyly.

"_Just put some clothes on._" Kate said in a deadly voice.

Sawyer retorted by swaying his hips side to side, causing dangly bits to jiggle.

Kate heaved up her large and heavy stick, her eyes glinting dangerously and ready to strike him.

"Ok, ok, jeez," Sawyer said, simultaneously motioning for her to put down the large stick and grabbing his pair of filthy jeans, "I came in here anyway to find some clothes. If what you guys say is true, I've been in these clothes for about two years. I'm long overdue for an underwear change."

"Ew."

"You've got that right." Sawyer rolled his eyes, and found a suitcase with male clothes. He pulled out a pair of pale pink jocks and looked at them in disgust.

"What do guys wear these days?" he asked rhetorically.

"I dare you to wear them." Kate said evilly, feeling the weight of her stick.

"I need to," Sawyer shuddered, "this is the only suitcase I've found with my size clothes. Do you reckon they're clean?"

"There's only one way to find out." Kate said calmly. Sawyer looked slightly disturbed.

"Sniff another man's jock strap? Man, that stuff ain't football." He shook his head in disbelief.

"You have two minutes to get out of here before I hit you." She looked at her watch impatiently.

"What got your panties in a bunch?" he snapped.

"Oh, you know, got up 3 am this morning to deliver babies; I'm covered in afterbirth; I have a pounding headache; I had to handle a dead child and a distraught doctor and I come home, only to find a naked man in my house. I just a _little_ upset right now." Kate said, baring her teeth in what she thought was a smile. The little smile had some effect on Sawyer.

"Fine." He said grumpily, turning his attention back to the underwear. He leaned forward, taking the briefest of sniffs before springing away.

"Well?"

"Clean." He stated. She turned around, giving him the privacy to change into some clothes. He turned around, dressed in a clean tee and a pair of three-quarter jeans.

"Hey, Freckles. Have you been pigging out on those chocolate bars? 'Cause you're lookin' kinda plump." Sawyer said, patting her baby bulge.

"I'm pregnant, Sawyer," she sneered a little, "Not fat." His face fell a little.

"Not Doc Junior I suppose?" he said steadily. His disappointment aroused great triumph within Kate.

"Yes, this is Jack's baby." She placed a protective hand on her belly. Sawyer huffed.

"I hope you're happy," he said in a tone that said otherwise.

"We are."

"Fine."

"Out." She pointed to the door.

"Hold on one goddamn second," Sawyer said, waving his hand, "we need to sort out who owns this place."

That was the last straw for Kate. With a war cry that could rival Xena's, Kate swung the heavy stick and connected it with his stomach. He fell to his knees with a wheeze.

"IS THAT WHAT YOU WANT? YOUR STUPID HOVEL? FINE! I'M OUTTA HERE," she screamed, hitting him again on the back. She threw down the stick and collected everything that she had ownership of, "I'M LEAVING, AND I DON'T CARE IF I EVER SPEAK TO YOU AGAIN! FUCK FUCK FUCKITY FUCK, I WISH YOU NEVER CAME BACK!" and she promptly slammed the door (which was really a mat) into Sawyer's pained face.

* * *

Cookies for all who guess where she's off to!

(fees apply for postage and handling; no refund if cookie is eaten by postal staff, lost, LOST, broken, stolen or inedible; chances of you actually recieving a cookie from me is about the same as Micheal Jackson becoming black again)


	13. Finfaction

GOMFG, I'm sooowy guys for not updating for so long. I know some of you have been sharpeningtheir knives for more updates.I've been sooo busy with work and preparing for uni and boyfriends and god knows what else. Cookies for those who guessed correctly last timeahahahaha. This is now completely different to the series happening at the moment, but I was correct in the fact that Hurley was assigned to catagorise food. So someone shot theannoying blonde? Well, thank you god for that (as you can see, I'm not a Shannon fan).

Don't own LOST

Don't sue me, anyone, muchish fanfic slag coming on

* * *

It was late afternoon and there were few people to be seen around the campsite; in fact they only people around were two men with a toddler. Aaron was playing in the sand happily while Hurley and Charlie looked on. Charlie looked somewhat glum and Hurley, sensitive to his friend's mood, was holding his slumped head in his hand.

"Things are getting a bit tense aren't they?" Hurley said, making an attempt for conversation. Charlie made a non-committal sound. Hurley looked blankly at his friend, "Do you suppose the Sawyer-Kate thing has something to do with it?"

"Mmm, Perhaps," Charlie shrugged, looking at his adoptive son.

"You wouldn't've thought that would be a problem any more with Kate moving to the Doc's place." He stated, looking expectantly at Charlie for a half decent reply.

"Maybe…I dunno."

Hurley had enough. "Dude, what's wrong?"

Charlie slowly turned his head and gazed at him for a long second, "Nothing's wrong."

"Oh, come on, there's something wrong with you…your eyes are glazed; mouth half-open; you look like you've had enough." He said indignantly, spreading his arms out.

"I've had enough alright," Charlie chuckled, "I haven't had a decent night's sleep in two weeks now…man, if you thought Turnip' was bad, MJ is worse…" MJ's full name was Miriam-Josephine Charlotte Sarah Pace, a direct result of both parents wanting their daughter to be named after a great-grandmother but not sure which great-grandmother to use, so Charlie and Claire settled in making all great-grandmothers the namesake of their little girl.

"Dude…you're not serious are you?" Hurley said raising his eyebrow.

"Listen mate, I'm dead serious; all MJ ever does is scream, feed and poop….in fact, I wouldn't mind if some Others just took me away right now. I'm just using my son as bait." He motioned to the toddler with a foot. Aaron was playing with a toy horse and making growling noises as a sound effect (so far about twelve people had tried to tell him what a horse sounded like, but Aaron was having too much fun making growls and roars)

"So where is MJ now?" Hurley asked.

"With Claire…and before you ask, Claire's gone to see Kate and Shannon about Sun's kid, Yoon-Ji. Even though the boy is so quiet and peaceful, Claire can't handle him with MJ around, and is asking Kate to look after him and Shannon to feed him for a few months."

"Ah, I see. Shame about Sun." Hurley dropped his head mournfully.

"Yeah," Charlie said looking even glummer, "Jack did everything he could…though he was beating himself up about it again. He was saying something about an infection. Poor girl…I wonder who is looking after her garden."

"Kate is, as much as she can. Though she doesn't know what most of the plants are for…dude, she's a real trooper." Hurley said with a small smile. Both of them settled into silence. Aaron's growling horse leapt up with a huge roar and went sailing through the air, colliding majestically with Charlie's head.

"Ow." Said Charlie, barely flinching. Aaron toddled up to him and sat on his lap.

"Dad-dy, why are you sad?" Aaron asked, snuggling in with a hug.

"Daddy is not sad, he's depressed." He said. Hurley rolled his eyes.

"Dude, that means the same thing." He corrected.

"No it doesn't." Charlie snapped.

"Aaron…I think your daddy's emo." Hurley nodded solemnly to the toddler.

"I'm not effing emo! I'm just tired! So so so so tired!" Charlie began to cry and lay on the ground hugging his knees. Hurley, alarmed that his friend had indeed become a foetal emo, looked wildly around for something to cheer him up. Luckily for him, the toddler had a brilliant idea.

"Daddy, you want bed-time stwory?" Aaron asked hugging him, his little arms barely reaching around his neck. Charlie looked up and hugged his son tightly.

"That would be nice." He said. Aaron squirmed in his arms.

"Daddy, huggies is hurting." He gasped. Charlie released him quickly.

"I'll tell the story," Hurley said, as the other two snuggled together, "ahem: Long ago, in a galaxy far far away…dun naaaa nanana naaa nah, nanana naaaa nah, nanana naaah" he sang the star wars theme song. Charlie laughed.

"I've heard this one." He said.

"Au contraire, mon ami; this one's different." Hurley waggled a finger at the two blondes.

"How?" Charlie asked curiously, propping himself up on one elbow.

"This one's my own invention." Hurley said proudly. Charlie looked at him incredulously.

"You do fanfiction?" he asked. Hurley nodded, "Star Wars fanfiction?"

"Yes, though I do like to write in the DC comic fandom, superman, batman and others sometimes," he mused, "but I'm a wide reader, so I'll look at anything that seems good."

"Holy crap, Hurley! I thought only girls did that sort of stuff." Charlie said, as Aaron squirmed in his lap.

"Well, I would be lying if I said that the fanfiction world wasn't female dominated. But, dude, there are girls that twist the privilege of fanfiction goodness to their own perverted ideas and desires…Mary-Sues, Gary-Stues, slash, het, m-pregs…the list goes on." Hurley shuddered.

"Whoa, whoa…what the heck is slash?" Charlie asked.

"Queer stuff…I dunno, but somehow rabid fangirls always desire to see their favourite male characters fall in love and sleep together…it's some perverse pleasure to them."

"Sounds twisted," Charlie gaped, as Aaron went back to his horse, losing interest, "Is there anyone not at risk?" he asked.

"No, if anyone can be paired, they will be…for example, take this island: imagine our time here was a massively popular television series; sooner or later everyone would be paired with someone." Hurley nodded.

"Like…Sawyer with Kate,"

"Or you with Kate," Hurley pointed at him.

"That's not possible in this universe……….or Sawyer with the Doc," Charlie suggested, slightly disgusted with himself.

"Or you with me," Hurley said soberly. Charlie made a face of absolute disgust.

"They should be shot." He said.

"Yes, but they haven't done that to us. We're not celebrities or well known or anything. Dude, it's just not possible." Hurley assured.

"Thank God for that. I mean, if I was the actor to a particular character and saw my character doing weird things like that…I think I might just shoot the author." Charlie huffed.

"Charlie!" a female voice called not so far away. It was Claire holding a bundle of swaddled MJ, still crying. He cringed a little, thinking of the nights ahead, "dear! It's nearly dinnertime, come back to the hut!" she called warily.

"Coming!" he said, heaving himself up off the ground and picking up the blonde toddler as well, "thanks for that Hurley." He said.

"My pleasure. Have a nice sleep tonight," he joked as Charlie grumbled his way back to Claire.

* * *

Well, here we are at another ending of a chapter. Not much storyline, I know, but I was bored. Charlie's thoughts are my thoughts, yet I'm such a hypocrite, being a rabid fangirl myself :)

More soon (I hope)!


	14. Warning: Lack of Constuctive Sentences

Oh my god guys...sorry for the delay, but I had that slight inconveniece of moving to another country. I'm in NZ now, doing uni. Anyway, here's a chapter for you, until I learn how to string constuctive sentances again.

Don't own Lost...

I wish I knew all the episodes (NZ is even furthur behind than Australia...number 5 season 2)

* * *

Kate looked at the baby.

The baby looked at Kate.

The baby's face scrunched up.

Kate's eyes watered.

The baby began to cry.

Kate began to cry.

Jack rushed into the cave.

Jack asks: What's wrong?

Kate says: Shannon's wrong.

Jack asks: Why?

Kate looks angry.

Kate says: Shannon doesn't want to help look after Yoon Ji.

Yoon Ji is the baby.

Yoon Ji is still crying.

Kate begins to cry.

Jack asks: Why?

Kate says: Because she's a selfish turd!

Jack asks: Is that why we have the baby?

Kate says: Yes.

Jack asks: How are we going to feed him?

Kate says: Shannon says she's going to "donate" a breast.

Kate does the funny little quotation actions above her head when she said "donate"

Kate is not happy.

Yoon Ji is still crying.

Jack picks up the baby.

Yoon Ji cries even louder.

Jack asks: What about Claire?

Kate says: MJ.

Jack says: Ah.

Jack gives the baby to Kate.

Yoon Ji becomes quiet.

Jack likes the baby quiet.

He wants to pick the baby up again.

Jack picks up the baby.

Yoon Ji screams.

Yoon Ji doesn't want to be picked up.

Not by Jack, at least.

Jack gives the baby back to Kate.

Yoon Ji likes Kate.

Yoon Ji stops crying.

Jack wants to pick the baby up.

But Jack learns to leave baby alone.

Jack is smart.

Jack is a doctor.

Jack doesn't like Sawyer very much.

Sawyer doesn't like Jack very much either.

Sawyer likes Kate.

Sawyer comes into the caves.

Sawyer has a gash on his side.

He ran into the rocks when swimming.

He needs stitches.

Jack is nimble.

Jack is quick.

Jack grabs a needle and thread.

Jack begins to stitch Sawyer up.

Jack is a doctor.

He is bound by the Hippocratic Oath.

This means he must cure anyone who needs assistance.

But Jack would rather stab Sawyer with the needle.

Many.

Many.

Many times.

This is because Jack likes Kate also.

Kate used to like both of them at the same time.

Kate was very confused.

She isn't confused any more.

Sawyer disappearing might have helped.

She still thinks Sawyer is good looking.

But not as much as Jack.

She thinks both of them can be pricks.

She's right.

Jack leaves the room.

Sawyer is alright.

Kate is alone with Sawyer.

Sawyer asks: Can I hold the baby?

Kate thinks: This is very unusual.

Kate gives Yoon Ji to Sawyer.

Sawyer holds the baby.

Yoon Ji likes the smelly man.

Yoon Ji doesn't cry.

Kate says: You must be a babe magnet.

Sawyer laughs.

Sawyer winces.

His gash hurts.

There is a silence.

Sawyer asks: Why did you not say goodbye?

Kate knows what he means.

Kate says: I tried to say goodbye, but you weren't around. I had to help Jack.

Sawyer huffs.

Kate continues: But I did want to say goodbye. I missed you.

Sawyer says: I missed you too. I loved you.

This was hard for Sawyer to say.

Kate hugs Sawyer.

Kate says: I'm sorry.

Sawyer says: I'm sorry too, Freckles. I've been a bit of a prick.

Kate reckons this is the biggest understatement of the century.

Kate knows that Sawyer still loves her.

A woman's intuition is never wrong.

Never underestimate the power of intuition.

In another lifetime she would've taken him back.

But that was another lifetime.

She is now another woman.

But what Kate didn't know was that Jack was at first a replacement.

A replacement for her childhood sweetheart.

He was also a doctor.

She was living out a fantasy with Jack.

Kate has a thing for doctors.

There was a pregnant pause.

About seven months more pregnant than Kate.

Sawyer says: I'm sorry to hear about Sun.

Kate is sad again.

Kate says: I miss her too.

Sawyer says: Jin will miss her, if he's still alive.

Kate nods.

Sawyer asks: What will happen with Yoon Ji here if Jin does come back?

Kate frowns.

Kate says: If he comes back, we can say that Yoon Ji was the son of that other Asian girl, Yilin, and Rangi.

Sawyer asks: What happened to the other girl?

Kate says: She died. She slipped on some rocks and cracked her skull open.

Sawyer asks: Will Jin find out?

Kate says: No. Hopefully not.

Sawyer asks: Why isn't Rangi looking after the baby?

Kate says: He's depressed.

Sawyer says: I'll look after the baby.

Kate's mouth dropped wide open.

Kate asks: You can look after a child?

Sawyer says: Yes. I was adopted by my aunt, and she liked having lots of children. I was to look after many of them while she went out with her friends. I have a little more experience than you, Freckles.

Kate asks: I thought you hated children.

Sawyer says: I don't, actually. Sometimes they just annoy me when I'm in a bad mood.

Kate asks: But aren't you always in a bad mood?

Sawyer says: Not all the time.

Kate asks: Are you sure?

Sawyer says: Of course.

Kate says: People are going to condemn me when they find out I've given Yoon Ji to you.

Sawyer says: I'll be alright.

Sawyer gets up with Yoon Ji.

Yoon Ji smiles at Sawyer.

That was Yoon Ji's first smile.

Sawyer says: See? He likes me.

Kate sighs: Alright, but let Jack know how he's doing…and given him to Shannon when he's hungry.

Sawyer says: Will do, Sugar pie. Just trust me on this one.

Sawyer leaves the caves.

Kate thinks that Sawyer's gone mad.

Kate thinks that she has also gone mad.

Jack's gonna be so mad.

* * *

yeah, some fluff for those Skaters out there. Not much, but awwwwwwwww 


	15. We Don't Need No SexEducation

Just to clear up a few things. Sun died a few chapters ago, a little bit in the timeline before finfaction. I didn't want to do it, but there you go. I'm still behind in the Lost series compared to you guys, so I haven't been updating as much. In fact I toyed with the idea to stop writing this piece because I'm now hopelessly in the realm of Alternate Universes...and I depise Alternate Universes. But I realise this is now my chance to be random and I had a second wind in random ideas.

Lets see, I'm in uni, so don't expect regular updates. If you do it's usually the result of a wacky Saturday night out. Like the Saturday I can't remember. Or fencing every Sunday and Tuesday. Crap, I better stop drinking. Otherwise I'm going to turn into my nana. Do you know how fucked up it is to see your 70 year old nana drink from a beer bong? Hol-ly Shit.

Don't own Lost.

Hol-ly shit. My eyes are burning.

* * *

"You did _what!_" Jack gasped after enquiring into Yoon Ji's whereabouts.

"I gave him to Sawyer…it's no biggie Jack." Kate rubbed the back of her neck nervously.

"To…Sawyer?" He gaped.

"He said that he had more experience in raising children than us." She informed.

"But he won't be a good father figure; Yoon Ji will end up becoming a thief or con artist or something! Like father, like son, so I think." He strained, pacing up and down the length of his clinic.

Kate jumped up, "well, I hope this child ends up being a paranoid, overbearing doctor rather than a fugitive like his mother." She indicated to her stomach and marched off in a huff. Jack, realising his mistake jumped after her.

"Whoa, whoa, I didn't mean it like that-"

"You meant every word, Jack; you must have no faith in a way a father raises his son. Do you have father-son issues Jack?" She arched an eyebrow.

"Actually, yes I do. And I have issues with Sawyer raising a little baby boy." He said, sneering in the general direction of Sawyer's Hoard. Kate looked at him with a steely gaze and then walked away. Jack grabbed her wrist.

"What are you doing?" Jack asked.

"I have issues with you raising my child." She hissed, wrenching her arm out of his grip, "My son or daughter is going to be hounded by her father for every thing she does outside of her father's will."

"I'm not like that." Jack retorted.

"Right now you are. You're acting more like my father or mother rather than my lover and partner." She sniffed, "Can't you trust me on this decision? Please Jack?" Jack looked down into her large wet eyes. He silently brushed away a stray hair from her face.

"You're right," He sighed, "I should trust every decision you make." Kate's lips quivered and she pulled him in close, "No more arguments. Let's just hope that Sawyer's choice to take on a baby was a wise choice." He said while stroking her hair.

And so, the days passed; and the days became weeks and the weeks became months. Soon Kate looked liked she was carrying a beach ball underneath her clothes. She began to quite like the bulge and the attention it received. But it was nothing compared to the attention Sawyer was receiving with the bundle of smiles that was Yoon Ji. Kate did make a good decision after all; Sawyer looked marginally happier than he usually did and the kid looked very healthy. One morning as Kate was working in the garden, Claire came through, followed by Aaron and Charlie holding MJ.

"Party Kate! Picnic Party!" Aaron bounced to Kate.

"A picnic?" Kate enquired, looking at Claire and Charlie, "What's the grand occasion?"

"It's Hurley's birthday, so we're having a small picnic to commemorate it." Charlie said, shuffling MJ around in her carrier. MJ had stopped her screaming, which improved her parent's moods.

"Yay! Picnic!" Aaron bounced, grabbing Kate and pulling her away with him.

"Alright, I'll come," Kate laughed, "Tell Jack about the party. I'm sure he'll want to come." She said before being pulled into the forest.

"We will, just don't lose Aaron along the way!" Claire said. Aaron, a sprightly tot of about two or three, was just as big and intelligent as a five-year old. He bounded along the path at breakneck speed, challenging Kate to a race several times.

"I'm a little too fat to be going along for a race, Turnip'." Kate sighed.

"You're not fat. You're preg-nant. That means you're going to have a baby," Aaron nodded his head seriously.

"You're smart, aren't you?" Kate said.

"Not weally; you look like mummy before MJ came. But I know where babies come from and I know it better than mummy even though she's _had_ a baby." He rattled on.

"Huh? How did you know where babies come from better than Claire?" she enquired.

"I asked daddy where babies come from. He said he didn't want to know and told me that mummy knows…he was weally red. I went to mummy and she told me a story about a tab-pole and an egg. But I don't know what a tab-pole is and why there is an egg in mummy's tummy and she kept stopping and thinking, so I think mummy weally doesn't know," he said seriously. Kate was about to laugh, but Aaron continued, "I was going to ask Jack, because he's a doctor and _should_ know where babies come from, but I'm not allowed to go into the forest alone. I asked Hurley, I asked Rose, I asked Shannon and Sayid, and I heard all these different stories about storks and eels and caves and willies. I don't know all of those things except caves. I went to see Sawyer instead."

The colour drained out of Kate's face, "Why did you go to see Sawyer? What did he tell you?"

"He told me that people had sex to have babies." Aaron nodded.

Kate gasped with laughter, "Trust Sawyer. What else did he tell you?"

"He showed me some pictures in a book he had."

"What?"

"He showed me a penis, he showed me a va-jai-na. He told me about sperm and tiny eggs and he showed me and lady and a man having sex. And now I know where babies come from." Aaron grinned proudly.

A muscle under Kate's eye twitched.

"Did Jack really get his penis into your va-jai-na?" Aaron asked innocently, "Because I don't know how to get my penis all big and straight like the man in the picture. I'm really worried."

"Is Sawyer at the picnic?" Kate demanded Aaron.

"Y-Yes. Are you angry at Sawyer?" He said. Kate grabbed Aaron's wrist and stormed off into the direction of the party.

"What do you think?" She snapped.

"I think you're scary." Aaron whimpered.

* * *

Would Sawyer corrupt a young child's mind? Probably not intentially...but he can be a right-royal shit-stirrer. 


	16. Hurricane Kate

Phwoar, thanks for the reviews guys. Gahd damn I've had the greatest holiday. I went to the Lord of the Rings exhibition in Welligton, NZ. I was 12 inches away from the costumes worn by Orlando Bloom andViggo Mortensen! Gah! They even had Minas Tirith, The One Ring and Sam's Pots and Pans! Aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaah! (fangirl squeal!)

All in all, it was pretty phwoarsome.

But the bit that pissed me off...where the hell is Merry's costume? His pipe? His cute little suspenders? And while I'm on a rant, Pippin's scarf? I want some hobbit action goddammit.

Now, back to Kate's Dilemma

(Don't own Lost)

* * *

Hurley had woken up feeling the best he'd ever had for a few weeks. The sun was shining; the birds were singing; MJ wasn't crying and it was his birthday. He dressed in his most formal attire, slipped out his last Wonka bar and sang something out of 50 Cent's rap album. His party was right outside beneath the palms were people brought (surprise surprise) fruit salad, pork and fish to the picnic. People were civil, clean and happy; even the Crazy French Woman had slunk out of her hiding place to join the festivities.

Hurley sat next to Sawyer who was propping up Yoon Ji on a mat with a few toys handcrafted by Locke. Hurley watched in fascination as Sawyer proceeded to feed the baby boy.

"Dude…that's…for a lack of better word, messy." He commented as the pureed banana seemed to be, more often than not, going down Yoon Ji's chin than in his mouth.

"It's normal, for his age at least…nah-nah-nah, Ji, we don't eat the sand." Sawyer muttered, trying to pry the baby's hands open as he tried to eat the sand. For the first few moments, it seemed that Ji was winning, managing to get sand all over his face and in his food. Sawyer muttered as Ji rubbed his sandy hands in his eyes and proceeded to get sand in them, causing the baby to howl with discomfort, "See? That's what happens if you don't listen to Daddy." Sawyer moaned, cleaning Ji with a clean cloth.

"Seems like and effort, you know, being a parent and all." Hurley said, watching a heavily pregnant Kate drag Aaron along behind her.

"Yeah, kinda…well, lookie here, it seems that Hurricane Kate is on the horizon…uh-oh." He gulped as he saw the flower-wilting gaze in Kate's eye aiming directly at him.

"Sawyer." She growled, plunking Aaron in the sand and picking up Sawyer by his earlobe, totally ignoring the greeting from Hurley.

"Owowowowowowowowowow what's wrong with you woman?" He cried as he was pulled to a palm tree out of the way of the party.

"I'll tell you what's wrong, Sawyer. I just discovered that Claire's little boy knows the graphic details of sex!" She threw up her hands in the air, her huge body making her look angrier than she actually was, "What the hell did you show Turnip, anyway? From what I heard, it sounded remarkably like a porno magazine. Tell me: was it Playboy or some other special interest magazine?"

Sawyer, bewildered by Kate's display of emotion, stuttered, "The kid wanted to know where babies came from."

"Oh, so you weren't satisfied with just telling him, you just _had_ to show him didn't you?"

"I didn't think he'd actually _remember_ what I showed him." He shrugged.

"Oh, he did remember. In fact, he was worried about why he couldn't achieve an erection!" She screeched, loudly enough that people nearby swung their heads around so quickly, they heard their necks creaking; "you've just traumatised an impressionable young mind, Sawyer. He's going to remember this _for the rest of his life._" She said with a deadly low voice.

"Okay, stop with the harbinger of doom stuff," Sawyer gritted, "First of all, he didn't understand the spoken version of it very well…and secondly, I couldn't exactly tell him to go and look under his mama's skirts to show what a woman's hoo-ha looks like…so the nearest education book I could get was a ruddy porno mag!"

"That's no way to educate a boy!"

"That's how I was educated! I didn't have any of the 'Where Did I Come From' books…I asked my uncle where babies come from and he sat me down on his knee and showed me a porno mag…"

"That's probably why you're so freaking retarded!" She yelled, incensed.

"Ah, excuse me, what on earth is going on here?" Jack asked, appearing nearby with pretty much the entire party, including Claire and Charlie.

"Sawyer showed Aaron a porn magazine!" She declared in a loud voice so that everyone could hear. Sawyer held his head in one hand as people turned death glared him.

"I didn't…" Sawyer began.

"How dare you." Claire cried.

"Just go ahead and destroy a young boys innocence why don't you?" Charlie cracked his knuckles menacingly.

"You've got the wrong idea guys…"

"I think we've got the right idea about you."

"He only wanted to know where babies come from."

"He was worried why he wasn't getting an erection."

"Butt out of this, Kate."

"You perverted pervert!" Shannon cried.

"Hey, it's not like I whipped out my own penis and showed him the way things work." But instead of calming down the riot with this comment, there were more screams of outrage.

"Idiot."

"Pervert."

"Depraved Mofo'."

"You're awful."

"Fer chissakes, I was only telling the kid the truth."

"You should be ashamed, Sawyer." Sayid growled.

"Go eat pork, Mohammed." Sawyer snarled.

"Make me, Hillbilly."

"Fine," Sawyer grabbed a piece of roast pork from a spectator's hand, "I will." And he leapt upon the Iraqi. Shouts of encouragement and anger showered upon the fighters. Ali sobbed. Yoon Ji cried. MJ shrieked. Vincent howled. Hurley sat back on the sand, lighting his birthday candles on his chocolate bar, humming:

"Happy Birthday to me,

I'm a big geek,

I live in a jungle,

Surrounded by freaks."

He leant over his candles and blew them all out, not before wishing: _Dude. God. Wherever you are, I wish for… a way to get off this Island…a hot blonde chick…bread, pasta, milkshakes, roast chicken, fried rice, omelette, beer…running water…actually, throw in a hot Hispanic chick with that other blonde one…a computer with email…a hot bath…oh, could you get those people to stop fighting? They're getting on my nerves…have you got that? Thank you. Amen._

"Aaron? Where are you dear?" Claire called over the noise. The blonde curly-haired tot had disappeared in the commotion, "Aaron!" She cried, "Charlie! I can't find Turnip!"

Charlie emerged from the mob, alarmed, "What?" he marched over, the fight beginning to fall out.

"I think he's gone walkabout!"

Charlie scanned around, "I don't think so; where's the French Chick?"

"Oh no! He's been abducted again!" She sobbed. By this stage, everyone was looking around for the toddler; the winner of the fight was Sayid, managing to get Sawyer to eat his own pork. Sawyer staggered to his feet, sporting a big black eye.

"You're a right royal pain-in-the-ass, Freckles, aren't cha?" He growled, picking up Yoon Ji from the mat as people searched frantically. Jack hurried over to the trio.

"Kate, Sawyer, we've got to go. Sawyer, come help us. Kate, stay here with Claire and Shannon." He demanded.

"Why can't I come?" Kate asked, putting her hands on her swollen hips.

"Doesn't that seem obvious, dear?" Jack raised his eyes at her round belly, "In any case, you're staying here."

"Here," Sawyer said, handing Kate the baby Ji, "Look after him while I'm away; remember: he hates papaya, so don't try to feed him any of that; he's due for a nap any minute, but he'll need his diaper changed; I usually keep those in the brown suitcase…"

"Sawyer, we've got to go." Jack said impatiently.

"One moment, Doc," Jack growled, "You owe me for this, so if Ji is not happy when I come back, I'll be very, very…upset with you."

"Ooo, I'm so scared." Kate said mockingly. She was still rather upset with him.

"Jeez, I hope that your hormones have returned to normal when I come back." And with that, he kissed Ji and ran off into the woods with Jack, leaving Kate feeling a little bit more than hormonal.

* * *

Ta-Daa! I must admit, I cracked myself up writing a few of these sentences. 


	17. FortyNine HotCore QuarterPounder

You guys must hate me for not uploading for so long :P...well, my excuse is because of Mid-Year exams down here (I'm currently procrastinating) and also I've watch the entire second season of Lost. All I have to say is:OMGWTFBBQ! And yeah, after watching the entire season, I'm looking at this piddly little fanfiction and thinking _How the hell am I supposed to continue this?_ After all, I wrote this **before** the first season even ended! I mean I got a few things right when it came to theories (v. v. minor ones), but I have people walking around that aren't even supposed to be there! Graaaaagahhhhhhagagaghhhhhh!

So here goes...my first chapter of lost after the finale:

Don't own Lost.

* * *

In actual fact, Aaron wandered off all by himself. The tot's attention span had turned to a rather pretty bug and he followed it into the jungle, much against his mother's warnings. After he lost sight of the bug, Aaron wandered deeper into the jungle at a speed that was surprising for a young boy. Not that he was scared, he was having the time of his life and soon he found a creek which diverted all his attention to the pretty water and leaves.

Nearby there were two people hiding in the trees. Their names were Jack and Jim and they were part of the organisation called the Dharma Initiative, or as those on the beach called "The Others". The organisation was aimed to create a 'super race' of humans; they were bent to 'save the world' and also to give it mind-fucks. Those who survived these were allowed to join this 'super race' however, they had also turned mad in the process. With the plane crash some years earlier, Jack and Jim were ordered to watch over the potential stock of super humans. But after all that time up in that tree, Jack and Jim were super bored.

Jack stretched along the length of the platform.

Jim yawned and blinked.

Jack looked at Jim, "Hey, Jim."

"What?" Jim asked, barely looking at his partner.

"Pussy."

"Huh?"

"Pussy." Jack began to smile.

"What?" Jim huffed.

"Pussy." Jack said again.

"I don't get it." Jim shook his head.

"HA! And you never will!" Jack laughed triumphantly.

"You suck."

"And so does your mom." Jack retorted.

"Hey, leave my mother out of this and I'll leave this out of your mom." Jim grabbed his crotch.

"Pfft, you're so gay; you have nightmares about kissing your best friend's sister let alone do it with my mother."

"That's because she's so darn ugly, your mother that is. At least I don't have wet dreams about kissing my sister." Jim made kissing noises. Jack was suddenly enraged.

"Don't talk about my sister like that!" Jack jumped up, making the tree sway.

"Jeez Louise, settle down. The whole island's going to know where out stake-out is." Jim growled quietly.

"Can I play too?" A young voice burbled under the tree. The two sentinels yelped and grabbed their guns, aiming down at the smiling blonde Aaron.

"It's a kid." Jack stated dumbly.

"It's Claire's kid." Jim said eagerly to his partner. Jack nodded in equal enthusiasm.

"I wanna play too!" Aaron jumped up and down in a semi-tantrum, holding his arms up to be lifted.

"Ok kid, hang on, we're coming down." Jim said, climbing a ladder down. Jack grabbed a walkie-talkie nearby.

"Silent Sentinels to Snake-Pit, come in."

"This is the Snake-Pit." The woman on the other end linked in.

"This is a code Thirty-nine Hot-core Quarter-pounder." He exclaimed proudly.

"You found another mango tree?" The voice on the other side asked innocently. Jack slapped his forehead in annoyance.

"No, that's a Forty-four Cold-cake Burger-bun, I repeat; this is a code Thirty-nine Hot-core Quarter-pounder." He grizzled back to the walkie-talkie. The woman sighed.

"Just say it to me in plain English, Jackie-boy; these codes suck anyway." She said. Aaron was hoisted into the tree, giggling happily. Jim was directly behind him, slightly red in the face.

"We have Claire's kid, he wandered in by himself." Jack sighed.

"I'm impressed, bring him in before nightfall…and watch out for the Crashies, they're bound to be looking for him." the woman warned.

"Roger that, over and out." And he switched off the mike, "What's you're name, kid?" He asked Aaron.

"I'm Turnip!" He responded happily. Jim raised an eyebrow.

"Ok…Turnip…do you know how to play Hide and Seek?" Jack asked. Aaron nodded his head and shoulders in reply, "Well we're going to play Hide and Seek from your friends on the beach, is that alright? The only thing is, is that we don't make a single sound."

"Yay!" Aaron threw up his hands gleefully, "Hide and Seek!"

"Jack, Crashies coming through." Jim looked at the figures in the distance. The voices were loud and clear now. Jack flipped out a green blanket covered in leaves and sticks for camouflage.

"Quick, quick! Under here, they won't see us." He urged Aaron. The little boy slipped under the blanket and used his hands to cover his mouth and stop himself for giggling. Jack and Jim slipped underneath as well, keeping very still. Below, Dr Jack pushed through the trees with Charlie and Sawyer right behind him.

"Aa-aron! Aa-aron!" Charlie called at the top of his panicky voice. Underneath the covers, Aaron squirmed and giggled at the sound of his adoptive father's voice. Sawyer held up his hand for silence.

"Watch it, Drive Shaft, if the Crazy French Chick has got Turnip, she'll know we're following her." He warned. Hurley, Sayid and Locke came through the trees nearby.

"I can't find a trail," Sayid said, "She could've gone anywhere."

"That means we'll have to split up," Jack said, "Three groups of two: Hurley, you come with me; Charlie, you go with Sayid; Sawyer, you go with Locke." He pointed people out into their respective groups.

"Hey, Doc, why are you calling the shots?" Sawyer asked.

_Because, if anyone else called the shots, nothing would get done properly, _"Because we need to do things quickly. If you're unhappy with anything, we can do just as fine without you." Jack said.

"Alright, alright." Sawyer shrugged in submission, watching the evil looks Charlie was giving him. _And the doctor said he needed me…what a hypocrite._

"Right, we'll head off this way. We'll meet back here tomorrow morning, agreed?" Everyone nodded and ran off into different directions. Above in the trees, Jim got out of the blanket, with a huge grin on his face. Jackie-boy uncovered Aaron and himself.

"Now that was fun, yeah?" He asked the little boy.

"Yeah…but it was really hot and you're smelly." Aaron pinched his nose to emphasis the point. Jack made a quick under-arm inspection.

"Yeah, you're right. Do you want to come with us and have chocolate cake?"

"Yay! Chocolate!" Aaron cheered not quite knowing what cake was. Aaron was swept up onto the man's shoulders and carried down the tree, "Are you coming, Jimmy?" he asked. Jim looked over his shoulder and nodded.

"Yeah, I can't believe how idiotic those guys are, you reckon we could catch them tomorrow, if the boss lets us?" He asked.

Jim shrugged, nearly making Aaron topple from his shoulders, "Dunno, we'll find out tomorrow. Anyway, it's time to go home. Ready Aaron?" Aaron nodded, "Right, let's go." And he went walking along the path whistling "Hi Ho!" from the famous Disney Classic, with Jim following behind with a large shotgun.

Down on the beach, Claire was pacing to and fro, pulling out her hair in frustration.

"Why does this happen to me?" Claire moaned, "Why is it always _my_ child that goes missing?" Kate and Shannon looked on, holding a child each. Claire glared at them both and picked up MJ, mainly because she was feeling short of a child and the other mothers weren't helping.

"They'll be back with Aaron, Charlie has always come back with Aaron." Kate patted her shoulder sympathetically. Claire began to sob huge wet tears, which MJ began her queue to start crying again. This lead to a chain reaction of all three babies and all three women crying at the same time.

"Vat the 'ell ees going on?" A very confused voice asked. Danielle appeared with two or three other of the Islanders.

"You!" Claire, Kate and Shannon said in unison at the arrival of the Crazy French Chick.

"Moi?" She replied in complete bafflement. Claire was the first to rise handing MJ over to Shannon.

"Where the hell is my baby?" She demanded while a crowd gathered around her.

"Ze one you are 'olding een you arms or leettle Aaron?"

"Don't be smart with me, you hussy; you know bloody well who I'm talking about!" Claire jabbed a finger at the woman.

"I reelly don't know vat you are talking about."

"You stole my little one!"

"No, not theees time. I vas on ze beach talking wiz Scott and Steve." She jabbed her thumb at the two guys behind her. They both nodded.

"It's the truth." Said Scott.

"She was with us the whole time." Steve nodded.

"What were you doing with her?" Claire demanded, giving them the evil eye.

"We were…" Steve began.

"…making traps." Scott ended.

"Zey wanted to know 'ow to make traps. Long story." Danielle shrugged.

"Nooooooooo! You used my baby as a test subject! How could you!" Claire shrieked, bawling her eyes out. Scott and Steve looked over at each other and shrugged at the same time. Kate, Shannon and Danielle rolled their eyes.

"I deeed not take your Aaron. 'Ee must 'ave wandered off ven you were not looking." Danielle suggested. Claire listened, sniffing and snuffling as she reached her conclusion.

"I believe you," The she bolted upright, "The Others must've taken him…or-or, he could've fallen into one of your traps!"

"I deesmantled my traps-" Danielle began.

"SEARCH EVERYWHERE!" She yelled in hysterics, "Constant vigilance!" she yelled before fainting. Everyone moved forward to help but Danielle was there first and picked up Claire's fallen form.

"I'll go look for ze child…please keep Claire calm, we do not vant to have a woman en peeecies." She said and walked over to Claire's tent and laid her down. Kate waddled up to her, with Yoon Ji in her arms.

"We're sorry about this…Jack and the others have gone looking for you thinking you took him," Kate said, "Shame we don't have a cell phone to contact the others with."

"Cellphone? What ze heck ees a cellphone?" Danielle asked quizzically. Kate mentally slapped her head; Danielle was practically living in the late seventies, cellphones were practically unheard of.

"Never mind, do you think you can find Aaron?"

"Per'aps…I'll catch up to ze ozzers and tell zem I didn't do whatever I deed…if zey don't shoot me first, zen I'll go find Aaron" She said.

"Wait, I'll write them a letter so they know you're not lying," She grabbed Claire's diary which was by the cradle and ripped out the back page, she scrawled a note quickly, "Jack will know my handwriting." She handed Danielle the note.

"I'm sure 'e will." She raised an eyebrow at the scrawl and stuffed it in her pocket, "I'm off, Salut." Danielle turned and disappeared into the forest.

* * *

Dum dun Duuuuuuuuuuun! 


	18. Magical CopOut Chapter The Final One

This is not what you think. Final chapter. Pretty much explains for itself.

I don't own Lost. I pwn it.

* * *

Hurley bounded along the path after Jack, stepping over large logs and scrambling down hills. Now Hurley was much fitter than at the time of the crash, but he still had problems with keeping up a fast pace, especially in the humid heat.

"Dude, wait up! I can't go as fast as you." He gasped behind Jack, feeling rather light-headed, "Do you even know where we're going?"

"Sure I do," Jack lied, jumping down a steep ledge, "Just try to keep up."

"Really, Doc, I think I need a breather…otherwise…" He wheezed at the top of the ledge. Jack turned around to him impatiently.

"Otherwise what?" He asked. Jack didn't need a reply; Hurley had swooned and fainted, falling off the high ledge onto Jack. The doctor could only see stars and his lungs were depleted of air, and when he regained some sense, he was pinned down by the larger man between a rock, a tree and a hard place. He was facing Hurley in perhaps the most awkward position; cringing he lifted Hurley's head, which was resting on his shoulder.

"Hurley? Hurley, wake up!" He slapped the hairy puffer-fish face gently. No reply except heavy breathing, "Hurley, wake up, I mean it." He slapped harder. Still no reply. Jack tried to benchpress the limp man off him, but didn't work. Jack squirmed and slid, but nothing seemed like he could get out of his predicament.

"Fine, I'll wait for you to wake up."

Somewhere a voice manically chuckled. The back of Jack's neck prickled. The sound was so evil that Jack twisted Hurley's head off trying to get the man up.

"He won't get up until I tell him to." The voice said, suddenly nearer. Jack turned around to gaze up into a pair of very blue eyes.

"Who the fuck are you?" Jack gasped at the young woman. She chuckled again, shaking her finger at him.

"Tut tut, naughty naughty. You shouldn't be swearing at me, Mr Doctor San. I'm the one who got you into this predicament and I'm the only one who can get you out." She smiled gleefully, her gums showing. Jack was getting freaked out.

"You're an Other, aren't you?" He asked, still furiously trying to get up.

"Nup. I'm what you call…a Deus Ex Machina. A plot twist. A divine intervention in this story…etc, etc ad infantum." She said sitting on a log.

"What?"

"I'm trying to finish this story!" She huffed as he didn't get what she was telling him. Jack looked at her blankly.

"What story?" He asked. She had to be mad. More insane than the crazy French chick. She sighed.

"Oh, the story I'm writing about you guys. Y'know, all the evil stuff I've been doing to you, putting you into awkward situations, creating lame jokes and what-not," She replied, pushing back her shoulder length dark hair, "and now, I've run out of ideas: actually, I've moved on. New fandoms and such. Also, my dear, this plotline has been run into the ground by your normal creators and I had to turn it into an Alternative Universe, and now…I've introduced a Mary Sue," She sighed, burying her head into her hands, "I've done what I've hated the most."

"What. The. Hell."

"You're in a freaking fanfiction! God! Aw heck, I'm explaining this to the wrong person. Oi, Hurley, wakey wakey!" She snapped. Hurley raised his head from the dirt.

"Yo? Who the heck are you?" He muttered, cocking his head to one side. Jack kicked him off, brushing dirt off of him.

"I'm Sam. You're in a fanfiction."

"Dude," He blanched, then pointed his finger at her, "I knew it!"

"I'm the author of this story," she pointed to the edges of the page, "and quite frankly, I'm getting sick of it. I made the mistake of writing a future-fic and getting my nose painfully rubbed into it, despite getting some fair-decent reviews." She sulked, sitting on a log. The two men looked at her strangely.

"No wonder I feel like I've been doing strange things, as if, as if…what have you done to me?" Jack said, rubbing his hands together, trying to shake whatever virulent thing was on him.

"Dude, she's put you OOC. Out Of Character." Hurley stated, looking at the doctor.

"Yup, ditto with Kate. Actually, I never knew why I focused mainly on her, I really dislike her," Sam scratched her imaginary beard, "I think I was supposed to do evil things to her."

"Well, that you did." Hurley conceded.

"Quite right," Sam brightened, her blue eyes glowed with pure evilness, "thanks for reminding me Hurley."

"No problem. I'm glad you didn't make a slash fic. That would be just plain weird." He shrugged.

"How can you take any of this?" Jack yelled, a vein pulsing in his temple.

"Oh, he can," Sam shrugged, "I just made him this way."

"Why did you insert yourself in here anyway?" Hurley asked her, giving himself over to the fact that he was in a fanfiction.

"To wrap things up quicker. Otherwise this would go on for several more chapters with large waiting gaps in between, which would piss my watchers off. This is probably pissing them off even more, but at the moment, I don't care. Don't kill me guys." She faced the reader. Jack yelped, pointing at the reader.

"There's a huge face! There's a huge freaking face watching us!"

"Reading us," she corrected, "besides, that's only one person, your real storyline has millions of people actually watching you," Sam grinned rubbing her hands together, "aren't you glad I didn't write a graphic sex scene, eh?" Jack and Hurley blanched. She certainly seemed evil enough to do that.

"So, I expect the real reason we're on this island and all the crazy phenomenon happing because of us is because…" Jack started.

"Because the writers are doing so. There's no other reason for it. You're just great entertainment." Sam giggled, once again rubbing her hands.

"That's not the real reason, is it?" Hurley looked at her. She blushed.

"No…Ha, I'm no longer sure. You see, the third season is already out in America and I don't know what the heck is happening, being all the way down in New Zealand."

"Oh…well, dude." Hurley said, lost for words.

"Oh, I've been meaning to say this for the last few paragraphs, but I'm kinda procrastinating, that's why I'm writing this." She faced the reader again.

"Procrastinating for what?"

"An exam."

"When?"

"Tomorrow."

"Whoa, dude."

"I love writing 'dude' all the time." She giggled randomly, "and I love procrastination." Jack groaned.

"Oh God, make this stop." He massaged his temples.

"Alright, alright, stop being so impatient. I'll get to wrapping this up in a second." Sam frowned. She snapped her fingers….

…….

And they were on the beach with the rest of the cast and original characters. Most of them looked confused at their surroundings and then pretty much all of them looked at the tallish, plumpish, pale young woman with bright blue eyes.

"Hello peoples, my name's Samantha Westend aka Angel Uriel. I've come to finish this story and wait for the crowds of angry fan peoples to flame me at the stake." She announced, her fear of crowds magically gone due to the magic of fanfiction. Everyone looked freaked out and looked for some means of escape by what looked like a very evil person. However there was none, due to the very evil person being very evil. Mwahahahaaaaaa!

"So, you're the one that's been messing around with us." Charlie said, somehow knowing that things that had been happening were due to some divine Angelic power.

"Yup, for the past year and a half. And to think this will all be over in the next few paragraphs! Yay!" she whooped as the sound of fast keyboard strokes filled the air, "I'm on a roll peoples!"

"Merde, would you kindly 'urry up. I'm seek of being mocked for mah accent, just because I'm French." Danielle huffed, putting her nose in the air.

"First, say: the thesaurus and the thesis is in the house." Sam chuckled, ignoring proper grammar.

"Ze Zesaurus et ze zesees ees in ze 'ouse." She repeated because she had no choice. Sam cracked up laughing and didn't stop for a few minutes. She looked at her watch.

"Hoo, nearly dinnertime, I'll hurry this up." She pressed the magic fast forward button Kate and hey, presto! She delivered a beautiful baby boy.

"What the hell?" Kate said, holding the squalling child in her arms. Jack was already cooing over it.

"We're calling him Christian." He said, tickling the baby's feet, making it scream louder.

"Hell no, we're calling it Thomas." She said and the two began to argue over who would get the middle name position. Meanwhile, Sam was smooching Sawyer.

"Goddamn, I've been wanting to do that for years." She said, breaking away, leaving a befuddled hot man. She did likewise for Charlie and he magically turned into a hobbit. Ok, now I'm officially on crack.

…Press the magic rewind button…

"Hell no, we're calling it Thomas."

"Quiet you two, I'm calling him Hunter. So that's final." Samantha huffed. Meanwhile, the reader was by this time thinking of some evil flames to post to this girl. Samantha chuckled in this knowledge, knowing that this is the last chapter and she wouldn't be posting any more and flames wouldn't affect her. Ha ha!

"Ok, so the deal was that everyone was to break up and look for little Aaron here, who happens to be one of the New Messiahs. They all get captured and have to break out otherwise the entire would be broken up due to giant electromagnetic forces placed on earth many (3) decades before the main storyline. In Jack's absence, Kate has the baby and the Other's waiting for the second of the New Messiahs, pounce on them. Meanwhile, Sawyer defeats the entire army single-handedly and dies a true Boromir's death protecting his friends and his love Kate. Jack with resolve goes and destroys the machinery along with Locke and the world is saved. With the electromagnetic forces gone, boats and planes pick up rescue signals and everyone on the beach is saved. Everyone is happy, except for Sawyer and Sun, who are dead.

"I thought that was lame and too much of my time, so I've ended it like this. Oh, and Sawyer scores with Ana-Lucia before he dies, and she gets pregnant, not the other way around…and he's not pregnant." She explained to a captive audience.

"Why do I die?" Sawyer growled.

"Because you're hot and cool, and everyone hates it when eye-candy dies." Sam sniffed. She looked at her watch again. Time to go.

"Alrighty, back to your normal storyline on international television." She said brightly and pressed the button.

…The Magical Cop-out Button…

Everyone wakes up from their respective sleep on the island, and the collective thought is…

WHAT. THE. FUCK???

END

MWAHAHAHAAAAAAAAAAAAA, I am so evil.

* * *

Quiet you lot. This is one way of finishing a fanfic which was really going nowhere. Now I don't have to worry about it never being finished. And I have one less thing to update. At least I hope it got a laugh out of you guys who are not incensed about being cheated from a story. Besides, I'm sure you guys are noware on to the next season and therefore the next level of fanfics. Anyway, if you're anything like me, you dislike original characters, AU and unfinished stories. Think of it as a bullet to put out of one's misery.

See Ya Laters Peoples.


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